Its All About Jokes

. . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.

. . . you use the “O” on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.

. . . you punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.

. . . you think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.

. . . you wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.

. . . your pickup truck used to be a car.

. . . your favorite fishing lure is TNT.

. . . your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.

. . . you stockpile pork and beans.

. . . your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.

. . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.

. . . your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.

. . . you’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.

. . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.

. . . you send your kid in for treatment because you think he’s hooked on phonics.

. . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.

. . . there are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.

. . . your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.

. . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.

. . . you think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.

. . . you spit on your own floor.

. . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

. . . you keep a pellet gun by the front door.

. . . you’ve ever participated in a burp-off.

. . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.

. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.

. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.

. . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”

. . . you own half a pickup truck.

. . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.

. . . you own a trophy that includes the words “cow chip toss” on it.

. . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing.

. . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”

. . . you show strangers your war wound.

. . . your mailing address includes the word “holler.”

. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.

. . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.

. . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.

. . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.

. . . you own every Box Car Willie album.

. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.

. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.

. . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.”

. . . you have three first names.

. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

. . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.

. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.

. . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

. . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.

. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.

. . . you’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.

. . . you videotape fishing shows.

. . . you’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.

. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.

. . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.

. . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.

. . . your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.

. . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”

. . . your masseuse uses lard.

. . . your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers.