Its All About Jokes

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles‘ club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.

‘I don‘t get it,‘ complained the first guy, ‘He‘s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!‘

‘Yeah,‘ replies his buddy, ‘He‘s not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows.‘

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. ‘What‘ll you have?‘ he asked.

‘Oh, I don‘t know. The same as you I suppose,‘ she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel‘s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

‘Yuck, that‘s TERRIBLE!‘ she spluttered. ‘I don‘t know how you can drink this stuff!‘

‘Well, there you go,‘ cried the husband. ‘And you think I‘m out enjoying myself every night!‘

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. ‘Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday‘ Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

‘Well‘ the guy says, ‘I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can‘t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18‘

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say ‘happy birthday, happy birthday!‘ The bartender asks ‘so which one died?‘

‘No one.‘

‘But you only ordered two drinks!‘

‘Yeah, well, I‘ve given up drinking.‘

A man walks into a bar acting really weird. He sits down and the man next to him asks, ‘What‘s wrong buddy?‘

The man replied, ‘I‘ve been blowing chunks all night!‘

The man next to him replies, ‘Well that‘s not that bad, you just had to much to drink.‘

The man then said, ‘You don‘t understand, Chunks is my dog!‘

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.

‘What the hell do you think you‘re doing?‘ she screams.

One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, ‘Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!‘

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, ‘Who‘s white horse it that outside?‘

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, ‘It‘s my horse. Why do you want to know?‘

The cowboy looks at him and says, ‘Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don‘t look too good.‘

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water.

He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn‘t a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, ‘Who‘s white horse is that outside?‘

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, ‘That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?‘

‘Nothing,‘ replies the cowboy, ‘I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running.‘

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know ‘Who‘s the strongest in here?‘

The toughest guy looks at him and says ‘I am the strongest around here!‘

The other guy politely asks ‘Can you help me push my car to the gas station?‘

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day‘s work. They‘re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. ‘I‘ll bet he‘s an accountant.‘ said the first builder.

‘Looks more like a stockbroker to me.‘ argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

‘Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?‘ the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, ‘I‘m a logical scientist.‘

‘A what?‘ asked the builder.

‘Let me explain‘ the man continued, ‘Do you have a goldfish at home?‘

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, ‘Yes, I do as it happens.‘

‘Well then it‘s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?‘

‘A pond‘ the builder replied.

‘Well then it‘s logical to assume that you have a large garden.‘ The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, ‘which means it‘s logical to assume you have a large house.‘

‘I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself.‘ the builder said proudly.

‘Given that you have such a large house, it‘s logical to assume that you are married…‘

The builder nodded again, ‘Yes, I‘m married and we have three children.‘

‘Then it‘s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.‘

‘Five nights a week!‘ the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, ‘Therefore it‘s logical to assume you don‘t masturbate often.‘

‘Never!‘ the builder exclaimed.

‘Well there you have it‘ the man explained, ‘That‘s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I‘ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!‘

The builder left, very impressed by the man‘s talents.

On returning to the bar the other builder asked, ‘I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?‘

‘Yeah,‘ replied the first, ‘He‘s a logical scientist.

‘A what?‘ the puzzled second builder asked.

‘Let me explain‘ the first builder continued, ‘Do you have a goldfish at home?‘

‘No‘ replied his mate.

‘Well, you‘re a tosser then!‘

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ‘Pint please, and one for the road.‘

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, ‘Hey barkeep, it‘s my birthday today. How ‘bout a free drink?‘
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, ‘Sure pal, toilet‘s right down the hall.‘

A guy walks into a bar, and there‘s a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, ‘Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven‘t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?‘
The guy says, ‘No, it‘s not that… it‘s just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place.‘

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don‘t serve poultry!‘
The chicken says ‘That‘s OK I just want a drink.‘

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, ‘Hey, do you taste something funny?‘

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. ‘I‘ll have a glass of blood,‘ said one.
‘I‘ll have a glass of plasma,‘ said the other.
‘Okay,‘ replied the bartender, ‘That‘ll be one blood and one blood lite.‘

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, ‘Hey! We have a drink named after you!‘
The grasshopper replies, ‘Really? You have a drink named Steve?!‘

A termite walks into a bar and says, ‘Is the bar tender here?‘

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, ‘I‘m sorry, but we don‘t serve food here.‘

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, ‘I think I‘ve lost an electron.‘
The other says, ‘Are you sure?‘
The first says, ‘Yes, I‘m positive.‘

A neutron walks into a bar. ‘I‘d like a beer,‘ he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ‘How much will that be?‘ asks the neutron.
‘For you?‘ replies the bartender, ‘No charge.‘

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre… so the barman gave her one!

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender ‘I‘ll have a pint of Bud please‘
and the second donkey says ‘hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that‘

So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, ‘You guys better not start anything in here.‘

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: ‘Mate, you‘ve got a steering wheel down your pants.‘
The guy replies ‘Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!‘