Its All About Jokes

It‘s hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit sits under the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.
A wolf passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
A vixen passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
The bear passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick and bullshiting.

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren‘t expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird‘s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I‘ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.‘ David was astonished at the bird‘s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, ‘May I ask what did the chicken do?‘

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, ‘Come on, a dog?‘

The owner says, ‘How about a cat?‘

The man replies, ‘No way! A cat certainly can‘t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!‘

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, ‘I‘ve got it! A centipede!‘

The man says, ‘A centipede? I can‘t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I‘ll try a centipede.‘ He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, ‘Clean the kitchen.‘

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it‘s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He‘s absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, ‘Go clean the living room.‘

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, ‘This is the most amazing thing I‘ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!‘

Next he says to the centipede, ‘Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.‘

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.

20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what‘s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!

He can‘t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there‘s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, ‘Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What‘s the matter?!‘

The centipede says, ‘I‘m goin‘! I‘m goin‘! I‘m just puttin‘ on my shoes!‘

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, ‘Pull, Nellie, pull!‘ Buddy didn‘t move.

Then the farmer hollered, ‘Pull, Buster, pull!‘ Buddy didn‘t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, ‘Pull, Coco, pull!‘ Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, ‘Pull, Buddy, pull!‘ And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, ‘Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn‘t even try!‘

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree‘, sighed the pheasant, ‘but I haven‘t got the energy‘

‘Well, why don‘t you nibble on some of my droppings?‘ replied the bull. ‘They‘re packed with nutrients.‘

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won‘t keep you there.

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box…and it says….‘Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)‘ She looks around to see if anybody‘s watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter… ‘I‘ll take one.‘ He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down ‘there.‘ To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and…nothing. She‘s totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.‘ So, she does.

The man from behind the counter says, ‘I‘ve had a few complaints earlier today, I‘ll be right over.‘

After the man got to her house the woman says, ‘See, I‘ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.‘

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, ‘I‘M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!‘

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he‘ll wash it off real well and bring it back.

Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt–then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, ‘what‘s up with that?‘

‘What?‘

‘your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them.‘

‘Oh, that—well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it.‘

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can‘t control his amazement and says to the blind man, ‘Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!‘

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, ‘To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.‘

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, ‘Let‘s go over to that bar and get something to drink.‘

The guy with the Chihuahua said, ‘We can‘t go in there. We‘ve got dogs with us.‘

The one with the Doberman said, ‘Just follow my lead.‘ They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, ‘Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.‘

The man with the Doberman said, ‘You don‘t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.‘

The bouncer said, ‘A Doberman pinscher?‘

The man said, ‘Yes, they‘re using them now. They‘re very good.‘

The bouncer said, ‘OK then, come on in.‘

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he‘d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, ‘Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.‘

The man with the Chihuahua said, ‘You don‘t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.‘

The bouncer said, ‘A Chihuahua?‘

The man with the Chihuahua said, ‘A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??!!!

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible.‘

‘If this doesn‘t work, beat the shark with your stump.‘