Its All About Jokes

Feminists are protesting Mad Cow Disease
Feminists are protesting the designation, ‘mad cow disease,‘ arguing that if a cow becomes mad it is because of something the bull said or did.

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late …
Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. ‘ What‘s the story this time. Hughie ? ‘ he asked sarcastically. ‘ Let‘s hear a good excuse for a change.

‘ Wee Hughie sighed, ‘ Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn‘t turn up.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. ‘

You‘ll have to do better than that. Hughie, ‘ said his boss, disappointed. ‘ No woman can be ready in ten minutes.‘

THE RULES (Alternate Set)
1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules can change without notice.

3. Males can‘t know the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules.

5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind.

9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.

14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

Plink! Plink! Plink!
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist. ‘Come now,‘ coaxed the doctor, ‘you‘ve been seeing me for years! There‘s nothing you can‘t tell me.‘

‘This one‘s kind of strange…‘

‘Let me be the judge of that,‘ the doctor replied.

‘Well,‘ she said, ‘yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.‘

‘I see.‘

‘That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl.‘

‘Uh-huh‘

‘That night,‘ she went on, ‘there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You‘ve got to tell me what‘s wrong with me!,‘ she implored, ‘I‘m scared out of my wits!‘

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. ‘There, there, it‘s nothing to be scared about, You‘re simply going through the change.‘

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it‘s good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

And the number one thing only women understand:

1. Other women!

Words Women Use
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.

NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it‘s an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. ‘Nothing‘ is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ‘Nothing‘ usually signifies an
argument that will last ‘Five Minutes‘ and end with the word ‘Fine.‘

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over ‘Nothing‘ and will end with the word ‘Fine.‘

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means ‘I give up‘ or ‘do what you want because I don‘t care.‘ You will get a raised eyebrow ‘Go Ahead‘ in just a few minutes, followed by ‘Nothing‘ and ‘Fine‘ and she will talk to you in about ‘Five Minutes‘
when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A ‘Loud Sigh‘ means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over ‘Nothing.‘

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. ‘Soft Sighs‘ are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT‘S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. ‘That‘s Okay‘ means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. ‘That‘s Okay‘ is often used with the word ‘Fine‘ and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow ‘Go Ahead.‘ At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn‘t get a ‘That‘s Okay.‘

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you‘re welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from ‘Thanks.‘ A woman will say, ‘Thanks A Lot‘ when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the ‘Loud Sigh.‘ Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the ‘Loud Sigh,‘ as she will only tell you ‘Nothing.‘

GIRLS!!! be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart.for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top

A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.

“I forgot,“ she said. “But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat.“

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don‘t step on the ducks!“

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!“

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn‘t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?“

The guy says, “I don‘t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!“

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you‘re a man. That‘s interesting. I‘m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There‘s nothing left, but we‘re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days“.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!“

The woman continues, “And look at this, here‘s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn‘t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.“ Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren‘t you having any?“

The woman replies, “No. I think I‘ll just wait for the police…. “