Its All About Jokes

Human Condition
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn‘t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there‘s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn‘t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won‘t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn‘t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU TO GET MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You‘re next.‘

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Women Politicians
The reason so few women are politicians is that it’s too much trouble to put
makeup on two faces.

More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, ‘Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.‘
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, ‘It‘s because we have to repeat everything we say.‘

The husband said ‘What?‘

Deep Thoughts about Women
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren‘t we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say ‘It‘s all right‘? It isn‘t all right, so why don‘t we say, ‘That hurt, you stupid idiot?‘

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that‘s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl‘s best friend and a dog is man‘s best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren‘t they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as ‘just a sprain‘ and deep wounds as ‘just a scratch,‘ but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill ‘with the flu‘ and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn‘t all married men forget their mistakes? After all there‘s no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don‘t have to live with women?

If at first you don‘t succeed, shouldn‘t you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Changing a Light Bulb
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.

Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: ‘There‘s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.‘

HUSBAND: ‘Water in the carburetor? That‘s ridiculous.‘

WIFE: ‘I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.‘

HUSBAND: ‘You don‘t even know what a carburetor is. I‘ll check it out. Where‘s the car?‘

WIFE: ‘In the pool.‘

Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a mangets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, ‘Here‘s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,‘ and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

‘Look, lady, you‘ve got to let me get up. I‘m two miles past my stop already.‘

Computer Women
INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.

SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can‘t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!

RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

USER woman:
She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.

CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman:
Also known as ‘wife‘; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don‘t try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

Women on front lines
We have women in the military, but they don‘t put us in the front lines. They
don‘t know if we can fight, if we can kill.

I think we can. All the general has to do is
walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”