Its All About Jokes

Courses for Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don‘t Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air

25. TV remote controls are for men Only

26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before. Please register immediately as courses are in great demand

Woman & Cats
I‘ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don‘t listen, they don‘t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they‘re home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn‘t have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use ‘would you‘ or ‘will you‘ instead of ‘you‘d better‘ or ‘do as I say and no one will get hurt.‘

Women – Remarks for High Stress Days
1. You – Off my planet
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
6. I ‘m not crazy, I‘ve just been in a very bad mood for over 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I‘m just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I‘m trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren‘t asleep.
13. I can‘t remember if I‘m the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. Can I trade this job for what‘s behind door #2?
17. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
18. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
19. Earth is full. Go home.
20. Is it time for your medication or mine?
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I‘m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Tupperware party
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, ‘Where did mommy go?‘

In answer to his questions, he was told him, ‘Mommy is at a Tupperware party.‘

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, ‘What‘s a Tupperware party, Dad?‘

The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. ‘Well, son,‘ he said, ‘at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.‘

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.

Then he burst into laughter. ‘Come on, Dad,‘ he said. ‘What is it really?‘

Blind Date
‘How was your blind date?‘ a college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

‘Terrible!‘ the roommate answered. ‘He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.‘

‘Wow! That‘s a very expensive classic car. What‘s so bad about that?‘

‘He was the original owner.‘

Work Ethic
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, ‘Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…or what?‘

‘Not at all, Ma‘am,‘ the manager replied. ‘It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don‘t pout when I yell at them.‘

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it‘s good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, ‘There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it‘s not legal.‘

‘That doesn‘t matter,‘ replied Judi, ‘if only I can sell the car.‘

‘Okay,‘ said Judi‘s friend. ‘Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.‘

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, ‘Did you sell your car?‘

‘No,‘ replied Judi, ‘why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!‘

How to Change Your Oil
How to Change Your Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O‘Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O‘Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid‘s pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982).

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.

40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it‘ll be time for another oil change.