Its All About Jokes

Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I‘m afraid I‘m the bearer of bad news,‘ he said as he surveyed the worried faces. ‘The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It‘s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.‘

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, ‘Well, how much does a brain cost?‘

The Doctor quickly responded, ‘$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.‘

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more?‘

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, ‘It‘s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they‘ve actually been used.‘

Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, ‘What do you suggest I wash it down with?‘

‘Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.‘

Women‘s Profound Sayings
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life‘s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don‘t know what you‘re doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, ‘You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.‘ Now I‘ve forgotten my address, my mother‘s maiden name, and my keys. But I‘ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn‘t really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing … and then they marry him!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria‘s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can‘t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Perspective
An English professor wrote the words, ‘A woman without her man is nothing‘ on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: ‘A woman, without her man, is nothing.‘

The women wrote: ‘A woman: without her, man is nothing.‘

Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

‘What are you doing?‘ she asked.

‘Hunting Flies,‘ he responded.

‘Oh!, Killed any?‘ she asked.

‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,‘ he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. ‘How can you tell?‘

He responded, ‘3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.‘

Prayer
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, ‘Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.‘ Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, ‘Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.‘ Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, ‘Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river.‘ And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

Reindeer
According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers ‘till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa‘s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should‘ve known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.

The Study
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said ‘What?‘

The Power of Woman
There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn‘t, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.