Its All About Jokes

Rules for women
We always hear ‘the rules‘ from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You‘re a big girl. If it‘s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don‘t hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It‘s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don‘t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you‘re stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don‘t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we‘d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That‘s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you‘re fat, you probably are. Don‘t ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,‘ we will act like nothing‘s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don‘t want an answer to, expect an answer you don‘t want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don‘t ask us what we‘re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it‘s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn‘t really matter what they‘re saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn‘t matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don‘t mind that, it‘s like camping.

Women Drivers
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I‘ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Things Not To Say During Childbirth….
– Gosh, you‘re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

– You don‘t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

– Stop your swearing and just breathe.

– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You‘re not using the right words.

– Your stomach still looks like there‘s another one in there.

Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn‘t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, ‘You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.‘

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, ‘I don‘t know how to use this.‘

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, ‘This is what you sent to help me?‘ But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, ‘Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?‘

He said, ‘Sure‘. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, ‘Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.‘

The man replied, ‘Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.‘

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, ‘Oh, Thank you God!

You even sent me a Professional!‘

Bridal Shower
At a bridal shower, each guest was asked to introduce herself and tell everyone how she met Amber, the bride-to-be.

‘I met Amber while dating her brother Ron,‘ the first young woman said. The second person gave the same answer. The third said she was Ron‘s current girlfriend.

An older woman was next. ‘It‘s nice to meet all of you ladies,‘ she announced with a grin. ‘But I think I‘d really rather meet Ron.‘

Female hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn‘t drive.

Male or Female
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there‘s the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn‘t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it‘s handy to have around.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female…Ha!…you thought I‘d say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he‘d be lost without it, and while he doesn‘t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?

Your Time Is Not Up Yet!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked ‘Is my time up?‘

God said, ‘No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.‘

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn‘t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?‘

God replied, ‘I didn‘t recognize you!‘

Kiss per Yard
Walking up to a department store‘s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, ‘I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?‘

‘Only one kiss per yard,‘ replied the smirking male clerk.

‘That‘s fine,‘ replied the girl. ‘I‘ll take ten yards.‘

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. ‘Grandpa will pay the bill,‘ she smiled.