Its All About Jokes

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? – The dog. He‘ll shut up once you let him in.

What‘s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? – A woman that won‘t do what she‘s told.

Drive Through ATM Procedures
Please note that Banks are installing new ‘Drive-through‘ teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Put window up.

* 7 Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake.

Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. ‘Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!‘

‘I did? What did I tell you?‘ said the dad.

‘You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.‘

‘What are you talking about? That‘s one of the largest banks in the state,‘ he said. ‘there must be some mistake.‘

‘I don‘t think so,‘ she sniffed. ‘They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds‘.‘

First Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

‘I liked it, but I couldn‘t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,‘ she said.

‘What do you mean?‘ he asked.

‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!‘

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor‘s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, ‘I can do better than that.‘

Ladies Bumper Stickers
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON‘T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN‘T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON‘T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I‘M OUT OF ESTROGEN – AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE…WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON‘T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I‘M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON‘T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I‘M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I‘M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON‘T UPSET ME! I‘M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Make women happy – Demerit Point System explained
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don‘t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that‘s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed ………………..+1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…. 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………….-1

* You leave the toilet seat up………….-5

* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty………… 0

* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1

* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom………..-2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5

* in the snow……………+8

* but return with beer……….-5

* and no liners………………..-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night……. 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing………… 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……….+5

* You pummel it with a six iron………..+10

* It‘s her cat…………………….-40

AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party…… 0

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy…-2

* Named Tiffany………….-4

* Tiffany is a dancer………..-6

* With breast implants…………..-18

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner……………. 0

* You take her out to dinner and it‘s not a sports bar….+1

* Okay, it is a sports bar……….-2

* And it‘s all-you-can-eat night….-3

* It‘s a sports bar, it‘s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team……-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal…………………….+5

* The pal is happily married…………+4

* Or frighteningly single……………-7

* And he drives a Ferrari……………-10

* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie……………+2

* You take her to a movie she likes…..+4

* You take her to a movie you hate……+6

* You take her to a movie you like……-2

* It‘s called Death Cop 3……………-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans….-9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly………….-15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it………………………….+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…….-30

* You say, ‘It doesn‘t matter, you have one too.‘……-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
* She asks, ‘Do I look fat?‘

* You hesitate in responding…..-10

* You reply, ‘Where?‘…………-35

* Any other response………….-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression…… 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes………………..+5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…………………………….+100

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep….-200

The Difference Between Men and Women
Let‘s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they‘re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ‘Do you realize that, as of tonight, we‘ve been seeing each other for exactly six
months?‘

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he‘s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I‘m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn‘t want, or isn‘t sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I‘m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I‘d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let‘s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer‘s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He‘s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I‘m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that‘s it. That‘s why he‘s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He‘s afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I‘m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don‘t care what those morons say, it‘s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It‘s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He‘s angry. And I don‘t blame him. I‘d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can‘t help the way I feel. I‘m just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They‘ll probably say it‘s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I‘m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I‘m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I‘ll give them a warranty. I‘ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…

‘Fred,‘ Martha says aloud.

‘What?‘ says Fred, startled.

‘Please don‘t torture yourself like this,‘ she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ‘Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…‘(She breaks down, sobbing.)

‘What?‘ says Fred.

‘I‘m such a fool,‘ Martha sobs. ‘I mean, I know there‘s no knight. I really know that. It‘s silly. There‘s no knight, and there‘s no horse.‘

‘There‘s no horse?‘ says Fred.

‘You think I‘m a fool, don‘t you?‘ Martha says.

‘No!‘ says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

‘It‘s just that…it‘s that I…I need some time,‘ Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

‘Yes,‘ he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

‘Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?‘ she says.

‘What way?‘ says Fred.

‘That way about time,‘ says Martha.

‘Oh,‘ says Fred. ‘Yes.‘ (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

‘Thank you, Fred,‘ she says.

‘Thank you,‘ says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it‘s better if he doesn‘t think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha‘s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ‘Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?‘

And that‘s the difference between men and women.

Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women
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