Sport Jokes Collection
Digger Phelps‘ Words of Wisdom
From the NCAA Tournament:
‘Basketball is a game of two halves.‘
‘We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.‘
‘You‘re either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.‘
‘He‘s like all great players — not great yet.‘
‘You don‘t score 86 points without being able to shoot.‘
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham‘s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out ‘Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.‘ Snow White says ‘Well at least Dopey‘s alive!‘
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
‘Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!‘
‘The cups man! Save the cups!‘ cries George.
‘Uh, the fire hasn‘t spread to the canteen yet, sir.‘
Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they‘d rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it‘s like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
‘I‘ll do anything for 3 points‘, he said when questioned.
The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said ‘we don‘t just need points now, we need snookers!‘
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 17, 1995
1. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
2. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden‘s announce booth.
3. Trying to make one of Marv Albert‘s blooper reels.
4. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: ‘Winning‘s no big deal.‘
5. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
6. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
7. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
8. What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
9. Tired of going to Disneyland.
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Tyson‘s psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didn‘t say two!
Tyson‘s favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
They are making a new boxing term for Tyson….instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. ‘Evander was Van Gogh‘d in the third!!!‘
Can‘t beat um…Eat um!!!!
If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
In this corner Evander ‘the Real Meal‘ Holyfield!!!!!!!
Before the fight, Mike‘s trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
Top NFL Complaints
1. After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
2. Calling ‘heads or tails‘ but never getting any. . . ‘head‘ or ‘tail‘.
3. Players get ‘the wave‘. . . refs get ‘the finger‘.
4. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
5. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for ‘Illegal use of a racial slur‘ is meaningless.
6. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin‘ CLEVELAND!!!
7. Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
8. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it‘s black and white week after week after week!
9. Don King only bribes boxing judges.
10. Official rule books not made in Braille.
11. I‘m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where‘s MY helmet and pads?!
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor‘s office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn‘t think the term ‘New York City Hospitality Committee‘ is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: ‘My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.‘
3. ‘Miss Salt Lake‘ for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site…
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
This list is copyrighted by Chris White.
Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994
In case anyone has od‘ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]
No team flights on Continental Airlines.
Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
Make it legal to cork their pants.
Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
Two words: Streisand tickets.
Every team has to have at least one player named ‘Mookie‘.
Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
Put an on-deck circle in Madonna‘s bed.
More games against the Mets.
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler ‘overs!‘ before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the ‘overs‘.
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule ‘First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game‘, and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can‘t make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the ‘Designated Bowler‘ rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say ‘Kings X‘ and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, ‘Fair is Fair‘.
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That‘s much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball – Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
Top Ten Signs you‘re Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
They keep shouting ‘Do over!‘
When umpire yells, ‘Strike 3!‘ batter looks at him as if the dude‘s speaking French.
Try as they might, they just can‘t scratch themselves like professionals.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts ‘Dinner time!‘
Players constantly adjusting each other‘s cups.
You overheard the coach yelling, ‘Run, Forrest, run!‘
They play like the Mets
Murphy‘s Laws of Martial Arts
Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you‘re up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker‘s father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it‘s your turn.