Its All About Jokes

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,‘God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.‘

So God said, ‘If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.‘ So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, ‘See God, I told you that would happen. I‘ll get it this time but you‘ll have to get it next time.‘ So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, ‘God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.‘

And God repeated, ‘If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.‘ So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, ‘I got the last one.‘ So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, ‘Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?‘

Moses replied, ‘No. He thinks he‘s Arnold Palmer.‘

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, ‘It‘s not a ship.‘ The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, ‘It‘s not a boat.‘ The speck gets even closer and he thinks, ‘It‘s not a raft.‘

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, ‘How long has it been since you‘ve had a cigarette?‘ ‘Ten years!‘, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, ‘Man, oh man! Is that good!‘ Then she asked, ‘How long has it been since you‘ve had a drink of whiskey?‘ He replies, ‘Ten years!‘ She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, ‘Wow, that‘s fantastic !‘ Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, ‘And how long has it been since you‘ve had some REAL fun?‘

And the man replies, ‘My God ! Don‘t tell me that you‘ve got golf clubs in there!‘

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonald‘s and insist on paying $
8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it‘s in a snowstorm and you‘re following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don‘t go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it‘s time for the real thing.

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, ‘Old MacDonald had a ________.‘

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn‘t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. ‘Pssst. Tiny. What‘s the answer to the last question?‘

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn‘t noticed then he turned to Bubba. ‘Bubba, you‘re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.‘

‘Oh yeah,‘ said Bubba. ‘I remember now.‘

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny‘s shoulder again, he whispered, ‘Tiny, how do you spell farm?‘

‘You are really dumb, Bubba. That‘s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.‘

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself ‘what a waste‘ he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, ‘Is this seat taken?‘ The man replied, ‘This was my wife‘s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.‘ The other man replied,‘I‘m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn‘t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?‘

The man replied, ‘They‘re all at the funeral.‘

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

‘Very well,‘ said the gatekeeper of Heaven. ‘But you realize, I hope, that we‘ve got all the good players and the best coaches.‘

‘I know, and that‘s all right,‘ Satan answered unperturbed. ‘We‘ve got all the umpires.‘

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

‘I liked it, but I couldn‘t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,‘ she said.

‘What do you mean?‘ he asked.

‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!‘

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. ‘So, how did you do son?‘ he asked.

‘You‘ll never believe it!‘ Billy said. ‘I was responsible for the winning run!‘

‘Really? How‘d you do that?‘

‘I dropped the ball.‘

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob‘s voice from beyond.

‘Bob, Is that you?‘ Earl asked.

‘Of course it me,‘ Bob replied.

‘This is unbelievable!‘ Earl exclaimed. ‘So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?‘

‘Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?‘

‘Tell me the good news first.‘

‘Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.‘

‘Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?‘

‘You‘re pitching tomorrow night.‘

Yogi Berra Quotes

‘Always go to other people‘s funerals, otherwise they won‘t come to yours.‘

‘Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.‘

‘If the people don‘t want to come out to the park, nobody‘s gonna stop them.‘

‘No wonder nobody comes here; it‘s too crowded.‘

‘We made too many wrong mistakes.‘

‘You can observe a lot by just watching.‘

‘I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.‘ – Yogi Berra