Its All About Jokes

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says ‘sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.‘

The man says, ‘No problem. I‘m from Chicago.‘

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he‘s doing. To the devil‘s surprise, the man is doing just fine.

‘No problem…just like Chicago in June,‘ the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
‘No problem. Just like Chicago in July,‘ the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, ‘no problem. Just like Chicago in August.‘

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what‘s going on.
To which the Chicago man replies…..

‘THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!‘
‘THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!‘

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, ‘Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn‘t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!‘

The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
‘Yes?‘ replied the teacher.

‘Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?‘

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied, ‘I‘m sorry, ma‘am, but I‘m blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I‘ll recognize it and be of more help.‘ So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, ‘That‘s the Johnson Model
9400. It‘ll be $40.00.‘

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, ‘That‘ll be fifty dollars.‘

Fifty dollars?!?!‘ the woman exclaimed. ‘You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!‘

‘Yes, I did‘, said the owner, ‘But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.‘

Golf Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, ‘Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don‘t knock out any windows. It‘ll cost us a fortune to fix.‘

The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, ‘I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let‘s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.‘

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, ‘Come on in.‘ They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?‘

‘Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.‘ the husband replied.

‘No, actually I want to thank you. I‘m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You‘ve released me. I‘m allowed to grant three wishes-I‘ll give you each one wish, and I‘ll keep the last one for myself.‘

‘OK, great!‘ the husband said. ‘ I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.‘ ‘No problem-it‘s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?‘ the genie said, looking at the wife. ‘I want a house in every country of the world,‘ she said. ‘Consider it done.‘ the genie replied.

‘And what‘s your wish, genie?‘, the husband said. ‘Well, since I‘ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven‘t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.‘

The husband looks at the wife and said, ‘Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don‘t care.‘ The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ‘How old is your husband, anyway?‘ ‘
35.‘ she replied.

‘And he still believes in genies?….That‘s amazing!‘

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, ‘Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?‘ The man said ‘No.‘

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, ‘This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!‘

The man replied, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven‘t been to together since we got married in 1967.‘

‘That‘s really sad,‘ said Bob, ‘but still, couldn‘t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?‘

‘No,‘ the man replied, ‘they‘re all at the funeral!‘

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the
third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on
the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailin away ahead of them.

Engineer: What‘s with these guys? We‘ve been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don‘t know but I‘ve never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let‘s have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what‘s with that group ahead of us?
They‘re rather slow, aren‘t they?
George: Oh yes. That‘s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That‘s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I‘m going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there‘s anything he can do for them.

After a short pause …
Engineer: Why can‘t these guys play at night!

Why can‘t girls play hockey?

Because they have to change their pads every period!

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Quattro sinko.

How many Kentucky basketball fans does it take to roof a house?

Three, if you slice them really thin.

Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game?

There was too much ‘Moss‘ in it!