Its All About Jokes

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks: ‘Did we break that too?‘ ‘Yes‘, replies the man.

‘Sorry. Do you live here?‘ the husband asks.

‘No, actually, I‘m a genie.‘ The man states. ‘I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I‘m supposed to give you three wishes, but I‘m keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what‘ll they be?‘

The husband thinks a moment: ‘First, make my wife a better golfer.‘ ‘Poof! She‘s a better golfer‘, the genie announces.

‘Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.‘ ‘Poof! you get a million bucks a week‘, the genie announces.

‘Good. OK, what do you want?‘ asks the husband. ‘For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife,‘ grins the genie.

‘Hmmm‘, the husband hesitated, ‘I guess that‘s all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you‘ve made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.‘

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the ‘genie‘ says to the wife: ‘How long have you known your husband?‘ ‘Ten years,‘ she replies. ‘How long has he believed in this genie stuff?‘

Q: What‘s the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: Touchback.

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, ‘Is anyone here a doctor.‘

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, ‘I‘m a doctor, what can I help you with?‘

‘I‘ve been stung by a bee.‘ ‘Oh really, where?‘ ‘Between the first and second hole‘ ‘Well, first of all, your stance is too wide…‘

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, ‘let‘s say we make the time worthwhile, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.‘ Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

‘Help me find my ball, you look over there,‘ he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ‘I‘ve found my ball!‘ he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, ‘After all the years we‘ve been friends, you‘d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?‘

‘What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!‘

‘And a liar, too!!!‘ Sid says with amazement. ‘I‘ll have you know I‘ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!‘

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don‘t stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
Don‘t take extra strokes.

What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?

They both feature 3 million people saying ‘Jesus Christ!‘

Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey?
A: There‘s a ‘face-off‘ in the corner.

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.

Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.

The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,‘You‘re not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!

So, how did you break YOUR leg??‘

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren‘t hot.

Olie replied, ‘We come from Minnesota where it‘s always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.‘ This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. ‘You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it‘s very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.‘

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn‘t understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn‘t working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, ‘We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the Devil‘s mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn‘t a punishment, maybe he‘d give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, ‘Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!‘

Why do girls have to where a cup when they skydive?

So they dont whistle!