Its All About Jokes

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said ‘Hey Sir,what ya huntin?‘
The man said ‘Ducks.‘

The Warden said ‘Did ya have any luck?‘
He said ‘Got 3.‘

The Warden said ‘Let Me see them.‘ The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt,smelled it and said ‘This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?‘
The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said ‘Kentuky duck, got a stamp?‘
The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said ‘Canada duck. Stamp?‘
The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said ‘Where you from anyway?‘
The man pulled down his pants and said ‘You‘re the expert, you tell me!‘

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

‘Why do you keep working out all the time,‘ they asked.

‘Well,‘ he said, ‘Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me.‘ Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldn‘t see him any more, but they still kept cumming.

Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.

And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, ‘Go back, Go Back! IT‘S A BLOW JOB!‘

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team‘s woeful record:

‘We can‘t win at home. We can‘t win on the road. As general manager, I just can‘t figure out where else to play.‘

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!

Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. ‘I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming,‘ he recalled.

‘That‘s terrible,‘ said Williams. ‘How‘d you ever get any sleep?‘

‘At five o‘clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out,‘ replied Irvin.

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to
find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a
cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

‘A magic potion‘ she replies.

‘Well what does it for‘ he asks. ‘This potion will make anyone an
excellent golfer.‘

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is
agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his
sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.
He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of
golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He
spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every
course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After
a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the
witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk
to her.

‘Well‘, she asks, ‘How has your game been?‘ ‘Great! This has been
the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and
never lost a game.‘

‘And how about your sex life?‘ ‘Oh, not bad.‘

‘Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many
times did you have sex last year?‘ ‘Hmmmm, it was three, no, four
times.‘

‘And you call that not bad?‘ ‘Not for a priest with a small parish.‘

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It‘s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says ‘I‘m not very busy today, why don‘t you let me show you around?‘

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, ‘What‘s up with these clocks?‘

St. Peter explains, ‘Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.‘

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, ‘Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.‘

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, ‘What‘s the story with that clock?‘

‘Oh, that,‘ St. Peter replies, ‘That‘s OJ Simpson‘s clock. We decided to use it as a fan!‘

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help, I‘m a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you‘d just allow me!‘, she told him earnestly.

‘Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I‘ll be alright. I‘ll be fine in a few minutes‘, he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to ‘ease his pain‘. She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, ‘Does that feel better?‘

The man looked up at her and replied, ‘Yes, that feels pretty good… but my thumb still hurts like hell!‘

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for ‘
96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn‘t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!

Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.

‘I‘ve got to get this guy,‘ Al says to himself. ‘He has the perfect arm!‘

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: ‘Mom,‘ the young man says into the receiver, ‘I just won the Super Bowl!‘

‘I don‘t want to talk to you,‘ the old woman says. ‘You deserted us. You‘re no longer my son.‘

‘I don‘t think you understand, mother‘ the young man pleads. ‘I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I‘m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.‘

‘No, let me tell you,‘ the mother implores. ‘At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….‘

The old lady pauses, in tears… ‘…I‘ll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!‘

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, ‘That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can‘t believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.‘

‘Well, we were married for 25 years!‘