Its All About Jokes

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There‘s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man‘s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren‘t disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.‘

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, ‘Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.‘

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, ‘What‘s the matter Jim?‘

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, ‘Throw me my 7-iron… You can‘t get out of here with an 8-iron!‘

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. ‘It`s for my husband,‘ she tells the clerk.

‘Did he tell you what gauge to get?‘ asked the clerk.

‘Are you kidding?‘ she says. ‘He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!‘

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.

The judge says, ‘do you want to live with your dad?‘ the kid says ‘no! he beats me!‘. The judge says,‘you want to live with your mom?‘ ‘no! she beats me too!‘.

So the judge says, ‘who do you want to live with then?‘

The kid says, ‘The Cleveland Browns…they can‘t beat anybody!‘

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
‘Where‘s Henry? one of his campmates asked.‘
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He‘s a couple of miles back up the trail.‘

‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!‘

‘A tough call,‘ nodded the hunter, ‘but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!‘

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs.
And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and ‘splash‘ they‘re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: ‘Three years I‘ve spent learning to swim with my freakin‘ ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!‘

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
‘What‘s that ?‘ she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

‘Tennis ball,‘ came the breathless reply.

‘Oh,‘ said the girl sympathetically, ‘that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.‘

Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.

Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.

‘What‘s wrong?‘ They asked. ‘Yeah, you scared off our game.‘

‘I‘m sorry, fellas. I didn‘t screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn‘t yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS…‘

What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, ‘Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?‘

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB‘s from the gun went right into mother‘s spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB‘s and just figured that they couldn‘t hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, ‘mommy mommy I just peed BB‘s! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don;t worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, ‘mommy mommy I just peed BB‘s! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don‘t worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down – ‘honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!‘