Its All About Jokes

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, ‘Father during the week I said the F-word.‘

The priest says, ‘Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary‘s and your sins will be forgiven.‘

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

‘Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church,‘ said the guy.

‘Is that why you said the F-word?‘ the priest asked.

‘No,‘ the guy replied. ‘I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.‘

‘Is that why you said the F-word?‘ the priest asked.

‘No,‘ the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. ‘My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.‘

‘Is that why you said the F-word?‘ the priest asked.

‘No,‘ the guy said. ‘As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.‘

‘Is that why you said the F-word?‘ the priest asked.

‘No,‘ the guy replied. ‘As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.‘

‘Is that why you said the F-word?‘ the priest asked.

‘No,‘ the guy replied. ‘The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.‘

The priest said, ‘Don‘t tell me – you missed the fucking putt!‘

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered,

‘Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!‘

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, ‘I‘m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.‘

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, – ‘Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?‘

The player thought for a moment and then answered, ‘4?‘ ‘Did you say 4?!‘ the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, ‘Come on coach, give him another chance!‘

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, ‘OK, lets get out and get him.‘

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, ‘The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?‘

The guy in the front says, ‘Well, I‘m going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I‘d brace myself!‘

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
A: The Dallas Cowboys

Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A:
22. The rest dressed themselves.

Q: What‘s Jerry Jones‘ biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who‘s driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can‘t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on ‘grass‘.

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new ‘Honor System‘. Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year. 8 arrests, 8 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.

Q: What‘s the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.

A woman in Dallas calls
911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her ‘Just get the guy‘s jersey number and we‘ll get back to you.‘

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?

ROLLAIDS!

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, ‘I‘d give anything to sink this next putt.‘

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, ‘Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?‘

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, ‘Okay,‘ and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, ‘Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.‘

The same stranger moves to his side and says, ‘Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?‘

The golfer shrugs and says, ‘Sure.‘ He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, ‘Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?‘

The golfer says, ‘Certainly!‘ He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, ‘You know, I‘ve really not been fair with you because you don‘t know who I am. I‘m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.‘

‘Nice to meet you,‘ says the golfer. ‘My name‘s…
Father O‘Malley!‘

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

‘Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal,‘ he starts writing in his notebook.
‘But I‘m not a Giants fan,‘ the little hero replied.

‘Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.‘ said the reporter and starts again.
‘Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack‘ he continued writing in his notebook.
‘I‘m not a Jets fan either,‘ the boy said.

‘I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.
‘What team do you root for?‘ the reporter asked.
‘I‘m a Cowboys fan.‘ the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
‘Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!‘

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, ‘Good morning, Ma‘am. What are you doing?‘ ‘Reading my book,‘ she replies as she thinks to herself, ‘Is this guy blind or what?‘ ‘You‘re in a restricted fishing area,‘ he informs her. ‘But, Officer, I‘m not fishing. Can‘t you see that?‘ ‘But you have all this equipment, Ma‘am. I‘ll have to take you in and write you up.‘ ‘If you do that, I will charge you with rape,‘ snaps the irate woman. ‘I didn‘t even touch you,‘ grouses the sheriff. ‘Yes, that‘s true … but you have all the equipment …‘

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, ‘What are you up to?‘

Alice smiled. ‘I‘m going hunting with you!‘

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, ‘If you see a deer, take careful aim and I‘ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.‘

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn‘t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: ‘Get away from my deer!‘

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: ‘Get away from my deer!‘ followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, ‘Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!‘