Its All About Jokes

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the ‘normal length‘ of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery — provided that I didn‘t play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the ‘rest‘ of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it…
and watched it duck hook two fairways away…

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, ‘I‘m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.‘

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, ‘I‘m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.‘ Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, ‘Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I‘m in sales, also. What do you sell?‘

She replied, ‘If I tell you, you‘ll laugh.‘ ‘No, I won‘t.‘

‘Well, if you must know,‘ she answered, ‘I work for Tampax.‘

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, ‘See I knew you would laugh.‘

‘That‘s not what I‘m laughing at,‘ he replied. ‘I‘m a salesman for Preparation H, so I‘m still a hole behind you!‘

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.
Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, ‘I‘m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!

Just for that, you won‘t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life… better still; you won‘t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you won‘t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!‘
Then POOF!…she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
‘Harry!….Harry!…where are you?‘

Harry yells, ‘I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!‘

Fred screams back…..‘DON‘T SWING! FOR GOD‘S SAKE, DON‘T SWING!

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there‘s a sign stating – ‘Play like champions today!‘

There‘s also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says: ‘Don‘t forget your HELMET!‘

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
‘I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man‘ she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers …well maybe!

Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he‘s not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon ‘thing‘. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

‘What are you doing?‘ asked his bride.
‘I‘m calling for room service. After all that work I‘m hungry!‘

The wife says, ‘Tiger wouldn‘t do that.‘
‘Really! Just what would TIGER do?‘ says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you‘re not calling room service are you!!!!
‘NO, says the exhausted hubby‘!
‘Well who are you calling then, she asks.‘

I‘m calling Tiger Woods…
I want to see what par is for this hole!

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he‘s too polite to say anything.

‘When I tee off, ‘ the singer explains, ‘I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.‘

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.
When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, ‘How about if we play for $100,000?‘
Tiger insists he couldn‘t possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, ‘OK, it‘s your money… when do you want to play?‘

Stevie replies, ‘I‘ll play on any NIGHT you choose!‘

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -
‘Will the gentleman on the lady‘s tee please move back to the men‘s tee‘.
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again – ‘Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!‘

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
‘Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady‘s tee can hit his second shot‘!

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, ‘Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?‘

‘I sure did,‘ responded the pessimist. ‘Your dog can‘t swim!‘

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

2. Golfer: ‘Well, I have never played this badly before!‘ Caddy: ‘I didn‘t realize you had played before, sir!‘

3. Golfer: ‘My wife says if I don‘t stop playing golf she‘s going to leave me!‘ Caddy: ‘I‘m sure you will miss her terribly, sir!‘

4. Golfer: ‘Well caddy, do you like my game?‘ Caddy: ‘Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.‘

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield‘s ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing ‘Face/Off‘

9. Really wanted to win first prize on ‘America‘s Funniest Home Videos‘

8. Like this doesn‘t happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly‘s ear, it‘s hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you‘ve never heard of a little thing called ‘strategy‘

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense — he wouldn‘t stop punching me!

2. ‘Disqualified‘ sounds better than ‘got his ass kicked all over the ring‘

1. He ran out of gum