Its All About Jokes

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat….to mark the spot…. With that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. ‘9.30 okay?‘

George said, ‘Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.‘

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, ‘Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.‘

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. ‘Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?‘ one of the foursome asked.
George said, ‘Sure if I’m ten minutes late…‘

Another golfer jumped in. ‘Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.‘

George said, ‘Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.‘

‘What if she’s lying on her back?‘

George said, ‘That’s when I’m ten minutes late!‘

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – OR – Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America‘s far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein‘s Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldnt put three W‘s in a row.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,‘Seven Points.‘

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?‘
The old man replied, ‘It‘s fart football!‘

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
‘Touchdown, tie score!‘

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
‘Touchdown, I‘m ahead 14 to 7!‘

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
‘Touchdown, tie score!‘
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
‘Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!‘

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, ‘What the heck was that?‘

The old man replied, ‘Half-time, Switch sides!‘

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls‘ pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, ‘OK, lets get out and get him‘!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
‘THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!‘

The front guy says, ‘Well, I‘m gonna start nibbling grass,
but you better start to ‘brace yourself!‘

Two guys are out hunting deer…

The first guy says, ‘Did you see that?…pointing to the sky.‘
‘No,‘ the second guy says.
‘Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!‘ the first guy says.
‘Oh,‘ says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, ‘Did you see that?‘
‘See what?‘ the second guy asks.
‘Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!‘
‘Yah, Ok‘, says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: ‘Did you see that?‘
This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, ‘Yah, I SAW IT!‘

And the first guy says: ‘Then why did you step in it?‘

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – ‘Hey, why don‘t you try this ball.‘ He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
‘Use this one – You can‘t lose it!‘

His friend replies, ‘What do you mean you can‘t lose it?!!‘
The first man replies, ‘I‘m serious, you can‘t lose it.

If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.‘

Obviously, his friend doesn‘t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, ‘Wow! That‘s incredible! Where did you get that ball?‘

The man replies, ‘I found it.‘

(Think about it… it‘ll come to you

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, ‘I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.‘

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, ‘Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband‘s ‘club‘. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.‘ She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, ‘That is unbelievable, I didn‘t think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem…
How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?‘

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: ‘You‘ve got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.‘

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: ‘That was a huge mistake, Frank. You‘ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.‘

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
‘Admit it, Frank, you don‘t come here for the hunting, do you?‘