Its All About Jokes

Yo mama‘s so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

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Yo mama‘s so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

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Yo mama‘s so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

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Yo mama‘s so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn‘t get a menu, she gets an estimate.

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Yo mama‘s so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

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Yo mama‘s so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

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How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None. The invisible hand does it.

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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

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Have you ever noticed… anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

George Carlin

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She‘s 97 today and we don‘t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneris

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I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

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I‘m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

Carol Leifer

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I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.

Ed Bluestone

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I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said “I‘d like some fries“.

The girl at the counter said “Would you like some fries with that“.

Jay Leno

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Why don‘t oysters give to charity?

Because they‘re shellfish.

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What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?

Nuclear fission.

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Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?

Because it had a nice groove in it!

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How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn‘t matter… he won‘t come to you anyway!

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What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?

Matt!

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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn‘t looking good either.

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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

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Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn‘t there the first time you need him, chances are you won‘t be needing him again.

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Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you‘d want to have with dinner.

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Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

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Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

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Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

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Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

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Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

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Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

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Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it‘s time to go back to childhood, he‘s already there.

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Why are men like commercials?

You can‘t believe a word they say.

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Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you‘re not quite sure why.

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How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

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How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

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Why are guys like lava lamps?

They‘re fun to watch, but not very bright!

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What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.

You have left the chain to long.

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If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?

The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the stove.

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I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

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If it weren‘t for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.

George Gobel

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Don‘t spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They‘ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

Billiam Coronel

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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

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Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

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How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘800‘ number to order an American light bulb.

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How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

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Yo mama‘s so stupid she can‘t pass a blood test.

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Yo mama‘s so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

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Yo mama‘s so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

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Yo mama‘s so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

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Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

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Yo mama so ugly they didn‘t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

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Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

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Yo mama so old she has Jesus‘ beeper number!

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Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

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Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

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What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she‘s pregnant.

Is it mine?

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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

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Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

You can park in the handicapped spots.

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What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

There were 7 dwarfs in a shower all feeling happy, but then happy got out so they started feeling grumpy instead

What do you call an afghan virgin

Mever bin laid on

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.

He meets another New Zealander who says “you sheerin‘ mate?“ and the first guy replies “naw, they‘re all mine“

Why does a squirrle swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

A lickalotopis

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?“

“Why?“ snorts the man. “Is there a fat bird in my car?“

How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?

A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?

Address.

What country makes you shiver?

Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I‘m coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas.

What did Delaware?

Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It‘s time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I‘ll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?

Don‘t move, I‘ve got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it‘s six months old?

Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who‘s born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher‘s eyes crossed?

She couldn‘t control her pupils.