Its All About Jokes

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper

I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?

It‘s a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

The female egg says “Look, I‘ve got a crack“

“No good telling me“ replies the male egg “I‘m not hard yet“

Q. Why don‘t guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?

A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don‘t they have any toilet paper in KFC?

A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?

A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???……

A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

Q: Why doesn‘t a chicken wear pants?

A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. Cover me im going in!

Q. What‘s the last thing that goes through a fly‘s mind when it hits a windscreen?

A. It‘s arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?

A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?

A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

A. If we don‘t get some support soon, people will think we‘re nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?

A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?

A. 3 Stone !

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?

The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?

Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says

“Hey buddy, Why the Long Face“

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?

A. Where you left it.

Q. What‘s pink and fluffy

A. Pink fluff

Q. What‘s blue and fluffy

A. Pink fluff holding it‘s breath

Two muffins are in the oven.

One says to the other “God it‘s hot in here“

The other one replies “Oh no… It‘s a talking muffin“

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud

What do you call a camal with 3 humps?

Humphreys

What do cows do for entertainment?

They rent moovies !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?

DAMN!

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

How do you stop a fish from smelling?

Cut its nose off

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

I have no I-Deer

What is invisable and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

What is a dogs favourite school subject?

“Dog-Ruff-E “

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?

Because the Parots-ate-em-all

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?

He was charged with battery.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Why do gerillas have big nostralls?

Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

What‘s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?

Lipstick

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, “I wish that was Sharon Stone.“

George echoed, “I wish it was Demi Moore.“

Little Johnny sighed, “I wish it was dark . . . “

Q: What do you do when your wife‘s staggering?

A: Shoot her again.

Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?

A: The washing machine doesn‘t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says “I‘m sorry Mickey but I couldn‘t find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says “I didn‘t say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy

Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?

A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don‘t look down.

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

Did you hear about hte new French tank?

Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

Where does the one legged waitress work?

The Ihop

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Damn

A blonde walked into a bar

OUCHH!!!

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender “Hay , could I get a beer please“

The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say “No, we don‘t serve food here“

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender “Hay , could I get a beer please“

The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say “No, we don‘t serve food here“

The mushroom says “Why not I‘m a Fungi!“

What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?

He smashed his his nose.

Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.

Perverted is when you use the whole chicken…

A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I‘ve got some “Cream“ For that.

Why was the washing machine laughing?

Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?

Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

What‘s the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus!

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.

A lady asks “What are you dressed as?“

He says a fireman!

You break the glass, pull the knob and I‘ll cum as fast as I can.

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.

She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.

She says, “Anything you say can and will be Held against you.“

He replies “BREASTS.“

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

(Jon)

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Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.

When did you first notice this problem?

What problem? (Scott)

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What is defference between man and Superman?

Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser. (Tejas Chachcha)

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How do you know if your a red neck?

You go to the family reunon to find a date! (Faithe Ainsworth)

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Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window. (Kyle Burglie)

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Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!! (Pisshead Bonehead)

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Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn‘t do?

Teacher: no, of course not.

Sam: good, because i didn‘t do my homework. (Scott)

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What is green and smells?

Hulk‘s fart.

(Azbar Kahleed)

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Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?

Becase he was a party pooper. (Briana)

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You so short you have to look up to look down. (Crystal)

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Yo mamma is so fat:

She eats Wheat Thicks.

We‘re in her right now.

She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.

She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, “FREE WILLY.“ (M.P. Monaghan)

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Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, “What a treasure!“ and your father said, “Yea lets go bury it“. (M. P. Monaghan)

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Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window. (M. P. Monaghan)

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How do you make a blonde‘s eyes sparkle?

Shine a torch into her ear…

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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

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Why won‘t sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

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What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.

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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No? Good!

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What‘s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

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What‘s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

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