Its All About Jokes

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, “No, I won‘t sleep with you tonight!“

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, “I‘m sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I‘m a graduate student in psychology and I‘m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.“

To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, “What do you mean $200!!!“ ???

You might be a ‘high tech redneck‘ if….
You might be a ‘high tech redneck‘ if….

- your email address ends in ‘over.yonder.com‘

- you connect to the WWW via ‘Down Home Page‘

- your bumper sticker says ‘My other computer is a laptop‘

- your laptop has a sticker that says ‘Protected by Smith & Wesson‘

- you‘ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cell phone

- your baseball cap reads ‘DEC‘ instead of ‘CAT‘

- your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

- your wife said ‘either I go or the computer goes‘…and you still don‘t miss her

- you‘ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer

- you refer to your computer as ‘that good ol‘ gal‘

- your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal

- you start all your emails with ‘Howdy, y‘all‘

- your spell-checker knows words like ‘Reckon‘, ‘Yonder‘, and ‘Y‘all‘

- your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU‘s

- your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5‘ hard drive

- your computer beep is (insert farm animal sound here)

- your active newsgroup list includes alt.animal.husbandry

- hay has been found inside your laptop carrying case

- you have caught yourself coaxing a slow speed machine with cluck sounds, kiss sounds or giddyup

- your netscape bookmark list includes EquiVet, net-vet or the OSU agriculture page

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If #4
Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You‘ve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

You‘ve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word ‘chicken‘.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You Might Be A Redneck If #47
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby‘s favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You Might Be A Redneck If #58
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailer‘s yard and makes it look neater.

You‘ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think ‘Meals on Wheels‘ is another name for roadkill.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

You‘ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

The number of times you‘ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

You Might Be A Redneck If #89
You‘ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because it‘s easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.

You watch ‘The Dukes Of Hazzard‘ and have to find someone to explain it to you.

Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you‘ve met your future wife.

It might be the light.
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly‘s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing.‘ Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, ‘Don‘t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there‘s another one coming.‘ Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. ‘Hold that lantern up, don‘t set it down there‘s another one!‘ said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

‘No, don‘t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there‘s yet another one coming!‘ cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, ‘You reckon it might be the light that‘s attractin‘ ‘em?

You Might Be A Redneck If #60
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald‘s breakfast menu.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

Your dad says, ‘Let‘s hit the road for dinner,‘ and then grabs a shovel.

You ever called your sister ‘Mom‘ and didn‘t have to correct yourself.

The directions to your bathroom include, ‘Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.‘

You‘re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

You‘ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Arkansas Residency Application
Last Name: ________________ (last)

First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse‘s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother‘s Name: _______

Father‘s Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you‘ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you‘ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you‘ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don‘t know

You Might Be A Redneck If
You trim your beard and find a French fry.

You use a piece of bread as a napkin.

You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.

Your birth announcements included the words ‘rug rat‘.

Your car alarm eats dog food.

Your car burns more oil than gas.

Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

Your horse can count higher than you.