Its All About Jokes

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

First surgeon: ‘I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man‘s leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he‘s recovered fully he does the work of five guys.‘ Second surgeon: ‘That‘s really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He‘s so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!‘

Third surgeon: ‘Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he‘s so good he‘s putting this entire country out of work!‘

OPERATOR, WE‘VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP) John, that‘s not what Ma Bell meant by ‘Reach Out and Touch Someone‘.

Q: Name two words that have no meaning.

A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.

Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.

A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates‘ campaign promises.

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom. ‘Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock‘. Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around. ‘Where‘s the clock sir?‘, she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants. ‘That‘s not a clock Mr. Clinton !‘, she exclaimed.

‘It will be‘, he replied, ‘Once you put two hands and a face on it !‘.

Definitions of A Diplomat:

Always knows what to talk about, but doesn‘t always talk about what he knows. Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats. Can always make himself misunderstood. Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans. Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable. Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi. Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue. Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest. Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests. Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat. Can make nothing sound like something. Can put his best foot forward when he doesn‘t have a leg to stand on. Can put his foot down without stepping on someone‘s toes. Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way. Can tell a man he‘s open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head. Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip. Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you. Divides his time between running for office and running for cover. Has a straightforward way of dodging issues. Knows how far to go before he goes too far. Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants. Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her. Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve. Straddles an issue whenever he isn‘t dodging one. Will approach every question with an open mouth. Will lay down your life for his country. Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

A son asks his father, ‘What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.‘

The father thought some and said, ‘OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let‘s say that I‘m a capitalist because I‘m the breadwinner.
Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?‘

The little boy said, ‘Well, Dad, I don‘t know, but I‘ll think about what you said.‘

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother‘s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent‘s bedroom and found his father‘s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn‘t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, ‘Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.‘

‘Excellent, my boy,‘ he answered, ‘What have you learned?‘

The little boy thought for a minute and said, ‘I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future‘s full of crap.‘

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary‘s young lover there. Bill said to hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said ‘ NO! Then he would be the president of United States‘

What‘s the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?

One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference
and announced that they had a very successful conference and had
agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: ‘The Ten
commandments.‘