Its All About Jokes

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

‘There‘s no easy way to say this, so I‘ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.‘

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman‘s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller‘s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. ‘Will I be acquitted?‘

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common? They‘re both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn‘t tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What‘s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankee‘s game. The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and wispers something into the Presidents‘s ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses then grabs Hilary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obcenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him, getting ‘high fives‘. The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, ‘ Mr. President, I said, – ‘They want you to throw out the ‘FIRST PITCH!‘

‘Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton‘:

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn‘t stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn‘t stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn‘t explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn‘t explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan ‘Nixon‘s The One‘ Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say ‘He‘s the one‘

Nixon: Famous for his widow‘s peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton‘s firm denial:

‘I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can‘t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.‘

‘This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.‘

‘I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn‘t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.‘

‘Thank you.‘ Monica Lewinsky

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, ‘Aren‘t you Moses?‘ The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man‘s view and asked again, ‘Aren‘t you Moses?‘ The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man‘s sleeve and asked once again, ‘Aren‘t you Moses?‘

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, ‘YES, I AM!‘

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, ‘The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, ‘I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.‘

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, ‘I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?‘

Bill thought for a while and said, ‘I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.‘

Hillary was shocked, but said, ‘I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we‘ve been together.‘
They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill -
‘So why do you have all that money in the box?‘

Bill answered, ‘Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans…
I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!‘

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada‘s IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. ‘Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,‘ the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. ‘Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.‘

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

‘Let me tell you a story,‘ replied the Priest. ‘A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.‘ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.‘

The man protested: ‘What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!‘

‘Simple‘, replied the Priest…‘It doesn‘t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!‘

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie‘s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, ‘Nope…not these days…I‘m only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So…what‘ll be?‘

Bill didn‘t hesitate. He said, ‘I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.‘

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, ‘Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I‘m good but I‘m not THAT good. I don‘t think it can be done. So make another wish.‘

Bill thought for a minute and said, ‘You know, people really don‘t like my wife. They think she‘s a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That‘s what I want!‘

The Genie thought for a minute and said, ‘Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again.‘

One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.

He was very furious and said, ‘Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!‘

Yes Sir, Mr. President,‘ the interior decorator replies.
‘I‘ll take those mirrors out right away!‘