Its All About Jokes

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks…
‘Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?‘

The man curls his eyebrows and asks ‘huh?‘
The old man gets up and says ‘wait right here.‘

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

‘ Ok, here‘s how it works…
If the boy grabs the beer he‘s gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he‘s gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he‘s gonna be a preacher.‘

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts…
‘HOT DANG SON – HE‘S A DEMOCRAT!‘

The Taliban‘s Fall TV Line-up

MONDAYS:
8:00 – ‘Husseinfeld‘
8:30 – ‘Mad About Everything‘
9:00 – ‘Suddenly Sanctions‘
9:30 – ‘The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show‘
10:00 – ‘Allah McBeal‘

TUESDAYS:
8:00 – ‘Wheel of Terror and Fortune‘
8:30 – ‘The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right‘
9:00 – ‘Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things‘
9:30 – ‘Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers‘
10:00 – ‘Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer‘

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – ‘U.S. Military Secrets Revealed‘
8:30 – ‘Bowling For Food‘
9:00 – ‘Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread‘
9:30 – ‘Just Shoot Everyone‘
10:00 – ‘Veilwatch‘

THURSDAYS:
8:00 – ‘Matima Loves Chachi‘
8:30 – ‘M*U*S*T*A*S*H‘
9:00 – ‘Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils‘
9:30 – ‘My Two Baghdads‘
10:00 – ‘Diagnosis: Heresy‘

FRIDAYS:
8:00 – ‘Judge Laden‘
8:30 – ‘Funniest Super 8 Home Movies‘
9:00 – ‘Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare‘
9:30 – ‘Achmeds Creek‘
10:00 – ‘No-witness News‘

From David Letterman and the Late Show…

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn‘t Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
9. When people whisper, ‘Your fly is open,‘ he says, ‘Yeah, I know‘
8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he‘ll say ‘pancakes‘ just for the fun of lying
6. He‘s no longer just fat — he‘s now Hugh Rodham fat
5. ‘Tubby‘ is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
4. Doesn‘t even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as ‘my lovely wife‘
2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as ‘the house that dirty pardon money built‘
1. Sits in the back of Al Gore‘s journalism class screaming, ‘Loser!‘

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.‘

A German doctor said ‘That‘s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.‘

A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.‘

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.‘

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).

Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president.

And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.

For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen ‘refugee‘as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, won‘t you? It costs so little but it means so much. Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

Howard Dean‘s wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied ‘Read my lips. No more Bush‘

The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.
The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.
So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,
I‘ll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

Doctor Seuss‘s take on the 2004 election:

Can we count them with our nose? Can we count them with our toes? Should we count them with a band? Should we count them all by hand?

If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out. I will not let this vote count stand. I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here? Can we change them, calm my fears? What do you mean, Dubya has won? This is not fair, this is not fun.

Let‘s count them upside down this time. Let‘s count until the state is mine. I will not let this vote count stand. I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I‘m really ticked, I‘m in a snit. You have not heard the last of it. I‘ll count the ballots one by one. And hold each one up to the sun.

I‘ll count, recount, and count some more. You‘ll grow to hate this little chore. But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand. I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won‘t leave office, I‘m stayin‘ here. I‘ve glued my desk chair to my rear. Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too, all telling me that I should sue.

We find the Electoral College vile. Re-count the votes until I smile. We do not want this vote to stand. We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

4 Doctors were talking shop one day…

An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.‘

A German doctor said ‘That‘s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.‘

A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.‘

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!‘