Its All About Jokes

Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping
troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American
nation as it struggles to establish democracy.
‘We must do all we can to support free elections in America and allow
democracy to gain a foothold there,‘ Kostunica said. ‘The U.S. is a major player
in the Western Hemisphere and its continued stability is vital to Serbian
interests in that region.‘
Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is refusing to
recognize the nation‘s Nov. 7 election results, to ‘let the democratic process
take its course.‘ ‘Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and
concede that he has lost this election,‘ Kostunica said. ‘Until America‘s
political figures learn to respect the institutions that have been put in place,
the nation will never be a true democracy.‘
Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis on
certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida, and eastern Tennessee,
where Gore set up headquarters in Bush territory. An additional 10,000 troops
are expected to arrive in the capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday.
Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule out
the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved soon. ‘For
democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich soil of
liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of tampering or
corruption,‘ Kostunica said. ‘Should America prove itself incapable of learning
this lesson on its own, the international community may be forced to take
stronger measures.‘

VP Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy . . .
. . . on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says,
‘What‘s in the box kid?‘
To which the little boy says, ‘Kittens, they‘re brand new kittens.‘
Al Gore laughs and says, ‘What kind of kittens are they?‘
‘Democrats,‘ the child says.
‘Oh that‘s cute,‘ Al says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies
the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, ‘You gotta check this
out‘ and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al says, ‘Look in the box Bill, isn‘t that cute? Look at those little kittens.
Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.‘
The boy replies, ‘They‘re Republicans.‘
‘Whoa!‘, Al says, ‘I came by here the other day and you said they were
Democrats. What‘s up?‘
‘Well,‘ the kid says, ‘Their eyes are open now.‘

Al Gore thought it would be a good idea . . .
. . . if he could get a better feel for the top job by leaving the VP‘s
residence and spending the remaining nights of the campaign as Mr. Clinton‘s
special guest at the White House. Mr. Gore was directed as all guests are, to
the Lincoln Bedroom.
On the first night he was awakened by George Washington‘s ghost….
‘George…what is the best thing I could do to help the country?‘ Gore asked.
‘Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,‘ advised Washington.
With all the excitement, Gore couldn‘t sleep well and the next night the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ‘Tom, what is the best thing
I could do to help the country?‘ Gore asked.
‘Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,‘ advised Jefferson.
Gore still couldn‘t sleep well and the next night he saw another figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln‘s ghost. ‘Abe, what is the best thing I
could do to help the country?‘, Gore asked.

Abe replied, ‘Go to the theater!‘

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, ‘Let‘s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?‘

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. ‘Patrick Henry, 1775,‘ he said.

‘Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth‘? Again, no response except from Suzuki. ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863.‘, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.‘ he heard a loud whisper: ‘Fuck the Japs.‘

‘Who said that?‘ she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. ‘Lee Iacocca, 1982.‘ At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I‘m gonna puke.‘

The teacher glares and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?‘ Again, Suzuki says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.‘

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!‘ Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!‘

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I‘ll kill you.‘ Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.‘

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we‘re fucked.‘

Suzuki said, ‘The Taliban! 2001‘

NEWS FLASH – GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

‘Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.‘

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

Sung to the tune of ‘Day-O‘ (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O…oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you‘re hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA…
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam‘s pissed, he ain‘t no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, ‘I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.‘

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, ‘Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I‘ll prove it to you.‘

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
‘Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I‘m home,‘ said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, ‘See! That guy was really stupid!‘

‘No kidding,‘ replied George W. ‘There was a pay phone just around the corner…
You could have called instead?‘

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here‘s a small list…

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she‘s holding in her lap while driving,
she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,
you blame the rock ‘n‘ roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,
you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I‘ll just never understand the world as it is anymore…
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke – I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

‘How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!‘ Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. ‘You wanted to end the Americans‘ liberty, so they gave you death!‘ Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says ‘This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!‘ He drops a large weight on Osama‘s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams – ‘this is not what I was promised!‘

An angel replies ‘I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you…
What the hell did you think I said?