Its All About Jokes

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

‘I don‘t know what to do,‘ says the devil. ‘You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I‘ll tell you what I‘m going to do. I‘ve got some folks here who weren‘t quite as bad as you. I‘ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I‘ll even let YOU decide who leaves.‘ Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. ‘No, George said. ‘I don‘t think so. I‘m not a good swimmer and I don‘t think I could do that all day long.‘

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. ‘No, I‘ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,‘ commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, ‘Yea, I can handle this.‘ The devil smiled and said ‘OK, Monica, you‘re free to go.

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

‘Madam,‘ said the sales manager, ‘the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!‘

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, ‘Nelson.‘

The radio responded, ‘Ricky or Willie?‘

She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that‘s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying ‘On The Road Again‘ when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

‘Idiot!‘ she yelled and, from the radio, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, ‘Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America.‘
Politely, President Bush answered, ‘If I can help explain things to you, please let me know.‘
The Iraqi whispered. ‘My little girl watches this show called ‘Star Trek‘ and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren‘t any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?‘.
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, ‘It‘s because Star Trek takes place in the future.

During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

‘Kenneth.‘
‘And what is your question, Kenneth?‘
‘I have three questions:

First – whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

And third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?‘

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, ‘Okay where were we? Oh, that‘s right, question time. Who has a question?‘

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

‘Larry.‘

‘And what is your question?‘

‘I have five questions:

First – whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth – why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And fifth – what happened to Kenneth?

George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, ‘You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink.‘
Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, ‘He‘s sinned as much as I have, what gives?‘

The angel says, ‘He‘s standing on Clinton‘s shoulders

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ‘Save the women!‘
George Bush hysterically screeches, ‘Screw the women!‘
And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ‘Do we have time?

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and
for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef
and offer a truly Jewish meal.

At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup.

George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he
tells an aide that he can‘t eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The
aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn‘t at least
taste it.
Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep‘s eye
in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the
bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates,
then swallows.

A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so
he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

‘That was delicious,‘ Bush says to Sharon. ‘Do you Jews eat any other
part of the matzo, or just the balls?‘

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked, ‘How can you afford all this on a meagre senator‘s salary?‘
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
‘Can you see the river?‘
‘Yes‘
‘Can you see the bridge over it?‘
‘Of course‘, said the minister.
‘10 percent‘, said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
‘How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees,‘ he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
‘See the river over there?‘
‘Sure‘, cried the senator.
‘Can you see the bridge over it?‘
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said, ‘No, I don‘t see any bridge.‘
‘100 percent‘, said the minister !!

Busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer‘s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, they were ALL dead?“

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren‘t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.“