Political Jokes Collection
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, ‘will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city.‘
‘Well Mr. Mayor,‘ the man said in a firm voice. ‘I voted against you in the last election.
Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by
Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in
Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the
streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a
small boy aside and asks him, ‘Who is your mother?‘ The child replies, ‘Mother
Russia.‘ ‘And who is your father?‘, asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, ‘Why, its
you Uncle Gorbachev!‘. Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, ‘and what do you want to
be when you grow up?‘. The boy proudly replies, ‘a good communist!‘.
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So
impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit.
Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev‘s plane lands in Berlin. And again,
part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, ‘Who is
your mother?‘ The child replies ‘the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East
Germany].‘ ‘And who is your father?‘, asks Honnecker. ‘Why, its you Uncle
Honnecker!‘, replies the child. ‘And what do you want to be when you grow up?‘
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies ‘an orphan.
Once George Bush Jr. visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, ‘Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident‘.
Then he said, ‘Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?‘
A little boy raises his hand and says, ‘If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car.‘
Bush says, ‘No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?‘
A little girl raises her hand and says, ‘If a busload of kids drove off a cliff.‘
Bush says, ‘No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?‘
A boy raises his hand and says and says, ‘If you and Mrs. Bush was on a plane and it blew up.‘
Then Bush says, ‘Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?‘
And the little boy says, ‘Well, it wouldn‘t have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn‘t have been a great loss.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, ‘Let‘s begin by reviewing some American history. ‘Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?‘
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. ‘Patrick Henry, 1775.‘
‘Very good!‘ said the teacher. ‘Now, who said, ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?‘
Again, no response except from Pedro: ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863.‘
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!‘
She heard a loud whisper: ‘Screw the Mexicans!‘
‘Who said that?‘ she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. ‘Jim Bowie, 1836.‘
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I‘m gonna puke.‘ The teacher glared and asked, ‘All right! Now, who said that?‘
Again, Pedro answered, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.‘
Now furious, another student yelled, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!‘
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!‘
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, ‘If you say anything else, I‘ll kill you!‘
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, ‘Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.‘
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we‘re in BIG trouble now!‘
Pedro whispered, ‘Saddam Hussein, 2003.‘
Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, ‘Duck‘!
The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked ‘Who said that?
Pedro: ‘Dick Cheney 2006!
Berlusconi meets a child in the street. He pats the boy’s head and says, “Hi, cute kid. What’s your name?” “Marco,” says the boy. “And how old are you, Marco?” Marco answers, “Nine.” Il Cavaliere says, “Shame on you! By your age, I was at least ten!
Conversation between Condolezza Rice and George Bush…
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What‘s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That‘s what I want to know.
Condi: That‘s what I‘m telling you.
George: That‘s what I‘m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow‘s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya‘ asking me for?
Condi: I‘m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I‘m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That‘s the man‘s name.
George: That‘s who‘s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That‘s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don‘t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, ‘Help, send the police to my house right away! There‘s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he‘s playing with himself.‘
‘What?‘ the operator exclaimed. ‘I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he‘s weird; I don‘t know him and I‘m afraid! Please send the police!‘ the little old lady repeated.
‘Well, now, how do you know he‘s a Democrat?‘
‘Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he‘d be screwing somebody!‘
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, ‘Now, there‘s the biggest horse‘s ass I‘ve ever seen.‘ A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. ‘She‘s a horse‘s ass too,‘ said the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. ‘Damn it!‘ the man said, climbing back up to the bar. ‘This must be Clinton country!‘
‘Nope,‘ the bartender replied. ‘Horse country!‘
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.
However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness‘s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, ‘Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.‘
‘I‘m very sorry, officer,‘ replies the American, ‘but I really have to go, and I just can‘t find a public restroom.‘
‘Ah, yes,‘ said the bobby, ‘just follow me‘. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
‘In there,‘ points the bobby, ‘whiz away sir, anywhere you like.‘
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman‘s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby ‘That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?‘
‘No sir…‘, replied the bobby, ‘that is what we call the French Embassy.‘
In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, ‘This is a big storm.‘
In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches.