Its All About Jokes

The good news and the bad news for Saddam‘s doubles…
All eight of Saddam Hussein‘s body doubles were gathered in a bunker in
downtown Baghdad.
Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister, walked in and said, ‘I‘ve got good news
and bad news. The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have
a job.‘
One of the doubles spoke up and said, ‘what‘s the bad news‘?
‘He‘s lost an arm.‘

Here‘s something everyone should probably know:
You may remember that on July 2, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with four
aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the
government.
However, you may not know that on March 31,1948, exactly nine months after
that day, Al Gore was born.
Now, that clears up a lot of things.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, that‘s
2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down, that‘s $440,000, leaving a
mortgage of $1,760,000. Now let‘s have a look at your financial statements.
Let‘s see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course,
and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no
more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be
looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher?
And I see here that you‘ll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you
do then? Open a library? In Little Rock? Arkansas? Wow. I bet that will be some
kind of moneymaker.
Mrs. Clinton, you‘re running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000
year-assuming, of course, she‘s elected, so even with your pension you‘re still
looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven‘t worked outside the house since 1991? But you did
some volunteer work, I see. You tried to overhaul the entire national health
care system? I see. But no one was interested? But you have other experience? I
see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this
Whitewater Development
Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande?
Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale you claim? A little bad luck with the
law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail.
This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all,
affect your ability to pay. Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.
Let‘s look at your assets: you owe $4.5 million Mr. Clinton? How do you expect
to pay that off? You‘re hoping people will donate to a special fund? So
basically you‘re relying on the kindness of strangers.
You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting
you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she
wants to go to medical school?
Any legal problems? I see a $90,000 fine for perjury. I guess that rules out
putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you‘re not lying on you
loan application? Of course it would look a lot better if you WERE lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should know about? Mrs. Clinton? You
don‘t think she‘s going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap.
But we‘re not totally sure, right? That means there‘s a remote possibility-note
that I say ‘remote‘ that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage
while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and while Mr.
Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.
Let‘s review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one
soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to
over 22 times your annual income that you‘re hoping someone is going to come
along and pay. And a looming criminal indictment. Your tangible assets seem to
consist of an old Ford.
We’ll give you a call.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton . . .
. . . on a recent airplane flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight
attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before
him. The attendant then asked Mr. Falwell if he too would like a drink.

The Reverend Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, ‘Madam, I‘d rather be savagely
raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips!‘
Hearing that, the President handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
‘I‘m sorry, I didn‘t realize there was a choice. I‘ll have what he‘s having.‘

Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey ..
… who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents
live in a suburb of Philadelphia, is married to a transvestite. My father and
mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are
currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
WellingtonBronx and is still a part time ‘working girl‘ in a brothel.
Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the
working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our
team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get
them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancée and look
forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally
honest with her.
Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation.

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to
their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, ‘Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don‘t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?‘
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won‘t
show and the men they are leading won‘t panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown
pants.

This is a moral question for you. It is an imaginary situation . . .
. . . but it is fun to decide what you would do.

The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure
destroyed. You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service,
traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

Suddenly, you stumble across a Marine helicopter crash. It‘s Bill Clinton‘s
and he‘s struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you have
the choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the
death of a President.

What shutter speed would you use?

A woman went to her doctor for advice . . .
. . . She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she wasn‘t sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, ‘Do you enjoy it?‘
She said that she did.
He asked, ‘Does it hurt you?‘ She said no.
The Doctor then told her, ‘Well, then, there‘s no reason that you shouldn‘t
practice anal sex, if that‘s what you like, so long as you take care not to get
pregnant.‘ The woman was mystified.
She asked, ‘You can get pregnant from anal sex?‘
The Doctor replied, ‘Of course. Where do you think democratic politicians come
from?‘

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their
teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with
the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. ‘Because
I‘m not a liberal Democrat.‘
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? ‘Why I‘m a proud conservative
Republican.‘, boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy
why she is a conservative Republican.
‘Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive
government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.‘
The teacher is now angry. ‘That‘s no reason,‘ she says loudly. ‘What if your
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?‘
A pause, and a smile. ‘Then,‘ says Lucy, ‘I‘d be a liberal Democrat.‘

FLORIDA: If you think we can‘t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don‘t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of
the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We‘ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we‘re Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don‘t just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We‘re number one! Wait! Recount!

Or…

PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice.
PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the ‘duh‘ in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.