Its All About Jokes

Barking Dog
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.

‘Your dog‘s barking, and it‘s keeping me awake,‘ said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his neighbor back.

‘Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don‘t have a dog.‘

Phone Repairs
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine…except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

CTC
Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

‘I‘ve found CTC to be the cheapest plan around,‘ offered one.

‘CTC? Who are they?‘

‘You know,‘ he responded. ‘Call Them Collect.‘

Dear Bank Manager
Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing repayment

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I‘ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

‘Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for‘

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn‘t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client

Automated Phone Call
As an administrative assistant at a chiropractic office, I called an insurance company to verify benefits for a patient. Although the call was important, I couldn‘t reach a human being, only a recording.

‘Thank you for calling,‘ said the message. ‘Our office will be closed until two o‘clock as we enjoy our Customer Appreciation Week Celebration.‘

Irish Telephones
Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Answering Service
The company where my brother worked had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Bill knew it would be a wrong number.

It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Bill would pick up and say, ‘Psychic Hotline. I‘m sorry, but you‘ve dialed the wrong number.‘

The callers would often reply with something like, ‘I didn‘t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…Oh!‘ (click)

Mike‘s Girlfriend
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend‘s new telephone number, I dialed him — and got a woman.

‘Is Mike there?‘ I asked.

‘He‘s in the shower,‘ she responded.

‘Please tell him his girlfriend called,‘ I said and hung up.

When he didn‘t return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. ‘This is Mike,‘ he said.

‘You‘re not my boyfriend!‘ I exclaimed.

‘I know,‘ he replied. ‘That‘s what I‘ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.‘

Out to Lunch
It‘s the late 1980‘s, and this technician‘s boss at a nonprofit agency has a brainstorm.

‘He wanted to provide a menu-driven telephone system that would let local boaters and fishermen call in for information on river levels,‘ says the tech.

His further comments: ‘I was invited to a lunch with the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the targeted rural population had touch-tone phone service … a must-have for menu-driven phone systems. As I remember, the chicken salad was delicious and the project was never discussed again.‘

Ole answers the phone
One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to answer it. ‘How the heck should I know, that‘s a thousand miles away!!‘ he barks into the phone and then slams down the receiver.

‘Who was that?‘ asks Lena.

‘I have no idea, Lena, ‘ answers Ole. ‘Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear.‘