Its All About Jokes

Heavenly Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

How To Deal with Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, ‘How are you today?‘ say, ‘I‘m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…‘

3. If they say they‘re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,‘Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?‘ Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say ‘No‘, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, ‘I don‘t have any friends… would you be my friend?‘

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can‘t sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, ‘Oh No!!!‘ and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say ‘I guess you don‘t want anyone bothering you at home, right?‘ The Telemarketer will agree and you say, ‘Me, either!‘ Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on ‘home incarceration‘ and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. ‘Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how‘s your mom?‘

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder…louder…

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang ‘Happy Birthday‘ to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

‘Don‘t let it bother you,‘ said a strange but amused voice. ‘You folks need all the practice you can get.‘

Sorry, wrong number
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff‘s house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, ‘Is this 555-1111?‘

‘No, this is 555-1112.‘ Jeff replied.

‘Oh, I‘m so sorry for disturbing you.‘ The woman said.

‘That‘s alright,‘ Jeff said. ‘I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.‘

Golden Phone
It seems that a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the world, but thought that the place to start, since he as an American, would be the United States, and with that in mind, he decided to fly to San Francisco, and start working east from there.

He goes to the very large Grace Cathedral in that city and begins taking photographs, etc., when he suddenly spots a golden telephone on a wall with a sign which reads $10,000 a minute. Intrigued, he seeks out the priest and asks about the phone and the sign. The priest advises him that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and, if he wants to use it, he can talk directly to God. ‘Thank you very much‘, says he and continues on his way. His next stop is Clinton, Nebraska, and while attending a church there, notices that there is exactly the same type of phone, with exactly the same sign on it.

Again, he seeks out the parish priest, asks the same question, and again is told that it is a direct line to God, $10,000 minute, etc. He thanks the priest and continues on his way.

Next in Milwaukee and Chicago, two cities rather close together, he discovers exactly the same type of phone with exactly the same sign beside it; makes inquiries of the local priests and receives the same answer. Again, he thanks them and moves on his way.

Arriving in New York, he goes into the Cathedral of St. John, the golden telephone is on the wall with the same sign reading $10,000.00 a minute. He checks with the Dean of the Cathedral, and gets exactly the same answer.

Continuing on through many other states, he finds the same phone, the same sign, and gets the same answer, until, finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering Sanctuary Guadeloupe Cathedral in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone with a sign. But THIS time, the sign reads, ‘Calls 25 cents.‘ By now fascinated, he gets hold of the Bishop and says to him, ‘Bishop, I have been in cities right across the country, and in each church I found this golden telephone, was told that it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in all the other churches across the country, it was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads .25 cents a call. Why?‘

The Bishop smiles benignly at him and says, ‘Oh, my son, that‘s very easy to explain. You see, you‘re now in Texas and, of course,
…it‘s a local call.

Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, ‘Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?‘

This didn‘t sound anything like my name, so I asked, ‘Who is calling?‘

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, ‘Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood.‘

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn‘t tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

What‘s the Time?
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.

One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. ‘I‘m foreman of the local sawmill,‘ he explained. ‘Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time.‘

The operator giggled, ‘That‘s really funny,‘ she said. ‘All this time, we‘ve been setting our clock by your whistle.

Josh Called
My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from ‘Josh‘ at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my
bank and the operator asked me what Josh‘s last name was and I explained that he hadn‘t left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn‘t know.

‘There are 1500 employees in this building, ma‘am,‘ she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

‘Danielle,‘ she said.

‘And your last name?‘ I asked.

‘Sorry,‘ she replied, ‘we‘re not allowed to give last names.‘

New Number
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend‘s new telephone number, I dialed him and got a woman. ‘Is Robert there?‘ I asked. ‘He‘s in the shower,‘ she responded. ‘Please tell him his girlfriend called,‘ I said and hung up.

When he didn‘t return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. ‘This is Robert,‘ he said.

‘You‘re not my boyfriend!‘ I exclaimed.

‘I know,‘ he replied. ‘That‘s what I‘ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.‘

A Very Busy Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. ‘No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won‘t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I‘ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I‘ll meet with him next week to discuss the details. ‘

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. ‘I‘m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I‘m very busy. What can I do for you?‘

The man replied, ‘I‘m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.‘