Its All About Jokes

Grandchildren don‘t make a man feel old . . .
Grandchildren don‘t make a man feel old … it‘s the thought that he‘s married to a grandmother.

Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.

Inappropriate Gifts
Li‘l Naturalist Hornet Farm.

The Duncan Yo — Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.

5,200 Pick Up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.

The ‘Learn About Puberty Chia Pet‘.

Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.

The Laff-O-Minit Spellin‘ Tootor.

Doggie Dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy‘s food processor into a spinning paint tool.

Water Retention Wanda — Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.

Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.

Islamic Strip Poker — lose a hand, lose a hand.

A dog has lots of friends
A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue.

One Liners…
I don‘t eat snails… I prefer FAST food!

Anyone who uses the phrase ‘easy as taking candy from a baby‘ has never tried taking candy from a baby.

It‘s what you learn after you know it all that counts.

Most of us can keep a secret. It‘s the people we tell it to who can‘t.

People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.

By the time we realize our parents were right, we have children who think we‘re wrong.

I have claustrophobia combined with fear of success, so I completely fell apart when I did a really good job painting the inside of my closet. – Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)

Doggie Quotes
‘If your dog is fat, you aren‘t getting enough exercise‘ –Unknown

‘Some days you‘re the dog; some days you‘re the hydrant.‘ –Unknown

‘Whoever said you can‘t buy happiness forgot about puppies.‘ –Gene Hill

‘In dog years, I‘m dead.‘ –Unknown

‘To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.‘ –Aldous Huxley

‘Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that‘s how dogs spend their lives.‘ –Sue Murphy

‘I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven‘t got the guts to bite people themselves.‘ –August Strindberg

‘Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul–chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we‘re the greatest hunters on earth!‘ –Anne Tyler

‘I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.‘ –Rita Rudner

‘If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.‘ –James Thurber

‘Don‘t accept your dog‘s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.‘ –Ann Landers

‘Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.‘ –Robert A. Heinlein

‘In order to keep a true perspective of one‘s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.‘ –Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

‘There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. –Ben Williams

‘When a man‘s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.‘ –Edward Abbey

‘Cat‘s motto: No matter what you‘ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.‘ –Unknown

‘Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won‘t buy the wag of his tail.‘ –Unknown

‘No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.‘ –Christopher Morley

‘A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.‘ –Josh Billings

‘Man is a dog‘s idea of what God should be.‘ –Holbrook Jackson

‘The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.‘ –Andrew A. Rooney

‘He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.‘ –Unknown

‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.‘ –Mark Twain

‘Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.‘ –Smiley Blanton

‘I‘ve seen a look in dogs‘ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.‘ –John Steinbeck

A Scots Pessimist
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he‘ll feel worse when he feels better.

Interesting Quotes
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: ‘I‘m cheap!‘ -Delta Burke

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne

I am not the boss of my house. I don‘t know when I lost it. I don‘t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss‘s job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don‘t put us in the front lines. They don‘t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.‘ -Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn‘t go far didn‘t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen

If you can‘t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

If a man‘s wife is his better half…
If a man‘s wife is his better half, and he marries twice, what then becomes of him?

If you laid all of the lawyers end-to-end…
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.