Its All About Jokes

Animal Truisms
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat‘s motto: No matter what you‘ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Dogs may shed, but cats shred.

Don‘t accept your dog‘s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

If you think dogs can‘t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one‘s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man‘s best friend. Inside of a dog, it‘s too dark to read.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

When a man‘s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Sign in a pet shop window
Sign in a pet shop window: ‘Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary.‘

The price of chess sets
The price of chess sets has gone up across-the-board.

Southern Sayins
It‘s so dry here, the fish are knocking on the door, askin‘ for a drink of water.

He disappeared like a belch in a wind storm.

Who blew out your pilot light?

I‘m so hungry I could lick the sweat off a cafeteria window!

It‘s so good, it‘d make a freight train take a dirt road!

My stomach‘s full, but my mouth ain‘t satisfied!

Well now! Don‘t that just fry your tater?

That steak‘s so rare, a good vet could save it!

That‘s about as easy as nailin‘ Jell-O to the wall.

That feller ain‘t nothin‘ but an appetite with skin drawn over it.

I‘m old and ugly, but I can still pull up to the table three times a day.

You can‘t chew with somebody else‘s teeth.

When foxes pack the jury box, the chicken‘s always guilty!

That‘s like tryin‘ to sneak sunup past a rooster!

Noisier than a mule in a tin barn.

Sexy as socks on a rooster.

Mad as a mule chewin‘ bumblebees.

A fartin‘ horse never tires.

You shut the barn door after your horse got out.

You‘re about as useful as a bucket under a bull!

Now that he‘s sowed his wild oats, he‘s hopin‘ for crop failure!

He‘s so bad, he‘d fight a circle saw!

He‘s all vines, and no taters.

He‘ll never drown in his own sweat.

It‘s like tryin‘ to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope.

His feet‘s so big, he has to put his britches on over his head.

If you shake his hand, count your fingers.

If she heard that, she‘d lay square eggs.

He‘s about two jumps ahead of a fit.

If fat geese were sellin‘ for 10 cents a pound, I couldn‘t buy a hummingbird.

If it costs a dollar to go around the world, I couldn‘t get out of sight.

That chili‘s so hot, it can make a cat pass a motorcycle!

He looks like he‘s been beat through hell with a soot bag.

You‘re about two bubbles off plumb.

I think the butter‘s slipped off your biscuit.

He‘s as happy as a puppy waggin‘ two tails.

You‘re goin‘ up fool‘s hill on the slippery side.

Folks who get all wrapped up in themselves, sure do make small packages.

You‘ll never get indigestion from swallowing you own pride.

Who licked the red off your candy?

Two heads are better than one – even if one is a knothead.

If I knew I would live this long, I‘d have taken better care of myself.

She‘s so good lookin‘, it‘d make a dog break his chain!

When choosing a pet…
When choosing a pet, keep in mind that to a dog, you‘re family; to a cat, you‘re staff…

Funeral at 6 AM
One time I had to go to a funeral at 6 AM. I shouldn‘t have been there. I‘m not a mourning person.

George Carlin Strikes Again
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren‘t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What‘s a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, ‘A penny for your thoughts‘ and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren‘t they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn‘t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. ‘I am‘ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do‘ is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn‘t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver‘s licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they‘re cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don‘t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it‘s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. No one ever says, ‘It‘s only a game‘ when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn‘t zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Think About It
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It‘s always darkest before dawn. So if you‘re going to steal the neighbor‘s newspaper, that‘s the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you‘re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don‘t have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don‘t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

‘To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.‘

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald‘s makes you a hamburger.‘

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.‘

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.‘

‘Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.‘

‘Learn from the mistakes of others. You can‘t live long enough to make them all yourself.‘

‘Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.‘

‘Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.‘

Perfect Wife
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed… But the law allows only one wife…

The church janitor
The church janitor was also the organist, and had to watch his keys and pews.