Its All About Jokes

Who says cops don‘t have a sense of humor?
‘The handcuffs are tight because they‘re new. They‘ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.‘

‘If you run, you‘ll only go to jail tired.‘

‘So, you don‘t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?‘

‘Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don‘t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?‘

‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I‘m warning you not to do that again or I‘ll give you another ticket.‘

‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?‘

‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.‘

‘Life‘s tough, it‘s tougher if you‘re stupid.‘

‘In God we trust, all others are suspects.‘

‘No sir, we don‘t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we‘re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.‘

‘Just how big were those two beers?

Cowboys
Did you know that during branding, cowboys have sore calves? Or that cowboys in a rodeo can be sure to get a few bucks?

Things To Ponder
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: ‘If you see me running, try to keep up.‘

Don‘t you think it‘s unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘Practice‘?

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? Think about it…

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. … Violators Will Be Toad.

Styling Gel
Applied excessively, styling gel could cause you to have a hair-raising experience.

Contemplating Cats
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.‘ –Anonymous

‘Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.‘ –Anonymous

‘Cats are smarter than dogs. You can‘t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.‘ –Jeff Valdez

‘In a cat‘s eye, all things belong to cats.‘ –English proverb

‘As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.‘ –Ellen Perry Berkeley

‘One cat just leads to another.‘ –Ernest Hemingway

‘Dogs come when they‘re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.‘ –Mary Bly

‘Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.‘ –Joseph Wood Krutch

‘People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.‘ –Faith Resnick

‘There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.‘ –Anonymous

‘I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.‘ –Hippolyte Taine

‘No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.‘ –Unknown

‘There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.‘ –Albert Schweitzer

‘The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.‘ –Ernest Menaul

‘Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.‘ –Anonymous

‘Time spent with cats is never wasted.‘ –Colette

‘Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.‘ –Missy Dizick

‘You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.‘ –Colonial American proverb

‘Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.‘ –Joseph Wood Krutch

‘I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.‘ –Anonymous

‘My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.‘ –Anonymous

‘Cats aren‘t clean, they‘re just covered with cat spit.‘ –Anonymou

On Senility
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Modern Aphorisms
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they‘re the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything‘s coming your way, you‘re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he‘ll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Political correctness
I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

Grow up and be president
Clinton‘s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

One Liners
No more about Elvis, OK? Thankyouverymuch

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures

The meaning of life is a feeling.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Good writing means taking the effort out of the reading

A confident manner is important: Computers can sense this!

Tattoo: a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.

Insomnia is a nightmare.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

An alarming number of people suffer from seriousness.

A man‘s life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him..

Sometimes it‘s more important to do it than to do it right.

A wishbone has never taken the place of a backbone.

Time isn’t money . . . it’s more valuable than that.