Its All About Jokes

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as ‘marketing without a degree.‘ You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can ‘concentrate on the big picture.‘ You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don‘t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest ‘ergo dynamic‘ gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your ‘carpal tunnel syndrome.‘

5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other ‘Middle Managers‘ as everyone in you social circle is a ‘Middle Manager.‘

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play ‘Customer Service.‘ Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your ‘skills‘ are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, ‘HEADHUNTER‘ – As a ‘person‘ that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term ‘GO POSTAL‘

How careers end…

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists‘ models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can‘t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We‘ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I‘ll let you know when it‘s time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn‘t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I‘ say.‘ (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,‘That would be better for me.‘ (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.‘ (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, ‘If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!‘ (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company‘s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the ‘pedagogical approach‘ used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director‘s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn‘t stand for ‘perverts‘ (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word ‘pedagogical‘ circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn‘t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones‘s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

‘If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don‘t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.‘

‘Now,‘ he concluded,‘ which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Top 25 Engineer‘s Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let‘s spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We‘ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn‘t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can‘t wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let‘s discuss. (Come to my office, I‘ve messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don‘t plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I‘m too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That‘s the way we have always done it!)

I didn‘t get your e-mail. (I haven‘t checked my e-mail for days.)

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I‘m not being rude. You‘re just insignificant.

I‘m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I‘m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I‘m really quite busy.

Thank you. We‘re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn‘t mean you‘re an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don‘t care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It‘s a thankless job, but I‘ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I‘m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

I‘ll try being nicer if you‘ll try being smarter.

I don‘t work here. I‘m a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can‘t do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you‘ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we‘ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I‘d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I‘m sorry, there‘s no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

* * *

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator : Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That‘s what it says on the label – Woven in Scotland.

* * *

Caller : I‘d like the RSPCA please.

Operator : Where are you calling from?

Caller : The living room

* * *

Caller : The water board please.

Operator : Which department?

Caller : Tap water.

* * *

Operator : How are you spelling that?

Caller : With letters.

* * *

Caller : I‘d like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.

Operator : Do you have his name?

Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

* * *

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.

Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

* * *

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: ‘I haven‘t got a pen so I‘m steaming up the window to write the number on.

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn‘t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, ‘We can‘t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.‘

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, ‘Please cancel the order. We can‘t wait that long.‘

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

‘Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.‘

‘His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.‘

‘I would not allow this employee to breed.‘

‘This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won‘t be.‘

‘Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.‘

‘When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.‘

‘He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.‘

‘This young lady has delusions of adequacy.‘

‘He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.‘

‘This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.‘

‘This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.‘

‘You Know It‘s Your Last Day At Work When……‘

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, ‘What‘s this?‘, you realize you just dropped the company‘s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, ‘I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one‘s your turn‘. Your boss is standing behind you. It‘s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week‘s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a ‘sick‘ day. The next morning the boss asks you, ‘So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?‘.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You‘re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.