Office Jokes Collection
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. ‘Boss,‘ he says, ‘we‘re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.‘
‘We‘re short-handed, Smith‘ the boss replies. ‘I can‘t give you the day off.‘
‘Thanks, boss,‘ says Smith ‘I knew I could count on you!‘
Today‘s Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Here?s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you+-
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don?t pay enough to expect that you?ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You?ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you?re old, fat or ugly you?ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We?ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You?ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You?re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You?ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
I?M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I?ve used Microsoft Office.
I?M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don?t ask me about all the McJobs I?ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I?M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.
I?M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I?ve changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I?m never at my desk.
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. Don‘t disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. ‘That‘s a good point, Sparky.‘ ‘No, I‘m sorry, but I‘m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.‘
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you‘re doing. For example: ‘If anyone needs me, I‘ll be in the bathroom.‘
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven‘t lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you‘re waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it ‘IN.‘
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there‘s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, ‘Oh you‘ve got to be faster than that.‘
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
TWELVE THINGS YOU‘LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it‘s really a ‘rush job,‘ run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it‘s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you‘re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don‘t open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don‘t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don‘t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don‘t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you‘re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I‘m doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it‘s nice to know someone is less fortunate.
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson‘s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, ‘I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.‘
And the boss said, ‘And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?‘
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. ‘Don‘t ask me a lot of questions,‘ he told the boy. ‘Just do whatever I tell you to do.‘ One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. ‘Get the hammer over there,‘ he said. ‘When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.‘ Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn‘t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, ‘When a musician just can‘t handle his instrument and doesn‘t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.‘
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: ‘And if he can‘t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.‘
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 – Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 – Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 – Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday‘s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 – Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 – Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday‘s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 – Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled ‘Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.‘ A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter ‘You Are What You Wear‘ and consult the ‘home casual‘ versus ‘business casual‘ checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 – Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 – Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife‘s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.