Its All About Jokes

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you‘re just sitting there reading jokes all day!

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, ‘Hey, where‘ve you been? I haven‘t seen you around here much.‘

The twenty answered, ‘I‘ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?‘

The one dollar bill said, ‘You know, same old stuff… church, church, church.‘

‘They told me at the blood bank this might happen.‘

‘I wasn‘t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.‘

‘I wasn‘t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!‘

‘Amen‘

‘This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.‘

‘Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper‘

‘I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.‘

‘This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!‘

‘Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won‘t wear off!‘

‘Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.‘

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real‘ reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, ‘Well, here‘s the way I see it, J.B…‘ (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss‘s.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won‘t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say ‘uh-huh, uh-huh!‘

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Colonel Sanders:
Damn, I missed one!

Anderson Consulting:
Deregulation of the chicken‘s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken‘s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken‘s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he‘s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, ‘I‘ll have a C monkey, please‘.

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying ‘That‘ll be $5,000‘. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, ‘That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?‘

‘Oh‘, says the shopkeeper, ‘that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.‘

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, ‘That one‘s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?‘

‘Oh‘, says the shopkeeper, ‘that one‘s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.‘

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, ‘That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?‘

‘Well,‘ says the shopkeeper, ‘I don‘t know if it actually does anything, but says it‘s a Consultant.‘

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don‘t have the balls!

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]‘s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[your name]

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he‘d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he‘d wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
‘Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don‘t know whether to lay you or Jack off.‘

Jill said, ‘Well, you‘d better jack off, because I‘m late for my bus.‘

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

‘Listen,‘ said the CEO, ‘this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?‘

‘Certainly,‘ said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

‘Excellent, excellent!‘ said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. ‘I just need one copy.‘