Its All About Jokes

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, ‘Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!‘

She yells, ‘Whose Jimmy Poole?‘

This kid in the back stands up and says, ‘I‘m Jimmy Poole.‘

‘Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!‘

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, ‘PAYS to ADVERTISE.‘

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ‘Can I help you?‘

The man said, ‘Yeah, I‘ve come to activate your phone lines.‘

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive‘s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, ‘…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers‘ money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: ‘The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.‘

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve‘s body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve‘s wife.

Bob says he‘s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

‘So did you tell her?‘ asks Jeff.

‘Yep‘, replied Bob.

‘Say, where did you get the six-pack?‘

Bob informs Jeff. ‘She gave it to me!‘

‘What??‘ exclaims Jeff, ‘you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??‘

‘Sure,‘ Bob says.

‘Why?‘ asks Jeff.

‘Well,‘ Bob continues, ‘when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve‘s widow?‘

‘Widow?‘, she said, ‘no, no, you‘re mistaken, I‘m not a widow!‘

So I said: ‘I‘ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!‘

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
‘I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I‘ll be better in a second‘

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says ‘We don‘t approve of womanizing!‘

The guy says ‘Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking‘

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: ‘Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She‘s a lot better in bed than my wife!‘

Two days later. George to John: ‘Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!‘

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied ‘I‘m going to Las Vegas.‘

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him ‘I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free‘.

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said ‘And just where do you think you‘re going?‘

‘I‘m going too!!‘ he replied.

‘Why?‘ She asked.

‘I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year‘!

A man was being interviewed for a job. ‘Were you in the service?‘ ask the interviewer.

‘Yes, I was a Marine,‘ responded the applicant.

‘Did you see any active duty?‘

‘I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.‘

‘May I ask what happened?‘

‘Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.‘

‘You‘re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.‘

‘When does everyone else start? I don‘t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.‘

‘Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.‘

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, ‘Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group.‘ The man says O.K.

He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man‘s bell rings again. The manager says to the man, ‘Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization.‘

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.