Its All About Jokes

The young clerk‘s responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge‘s yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk‘s pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn‘t resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. ‘Oh, there‘s not much to it,‘ admitted the clerk happily, ‘I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.‘

Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won‘t get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing ‘Busted‘. As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame… ‘Come on John!!!!!!!!‘ he screams ‘They got US!‘

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don‘t know where I am.‘

The man below says: ‘Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.‘

‘You must be an engineer‘ says the balloonist.

‘I am‘ replies the man. ‘How did you know.‘

‘Well‘ says the balloonist, ‘everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.‘

The man below says ‘You must be a manager.‘

‘I am‘ replies the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?‘

‘Well‘, says the man, ‘you don‘t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.‘

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then… A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim‘s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. ‘Was that all you wanted?‘ Tim replied, ‘I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I‘ve got in my shoe!‘

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,‘ he thought. It wasn‘t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey,‘ he called. ‘I‘m a rabbit from the laboratory and I‘ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?‘

‘Yes. Come and join us,‘ they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. ‘What else do you wild rabbits do?‘ he asked. ‘Well,‘ one of them said. ‘You see that field there? It‘s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.‘ This he couldn‘t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, ‘What else do you do?‘

‘You see that field there? It‘s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.‘ The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. ‘Is there anything else you guys do?‘ he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. ‘There‘s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,‘ he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. ‘They‘re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.‘ Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. ‘That was fantastic,‘ he panted. ‘So are you going to live with us then?‘ one of them asked. ‘I‘m sorry, I had a great time but I can‘t.‘ The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. ‘Why? We thought you liked it here.‘

‘I do,‘ our friend replied. ‘But I must get back to the laboratory. I‘m dying for a cigarette.‘

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. ‘Dear,‘ she chirped, ‘I think it‘s time to tell him he‘s adopted.‘

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. ‘Papa fell in the well last week – ‘ he began. ‘Good heavens,‘ shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. ‘Is he all right now?‘ ‘He must be,‘ said little Irving. ‘He stopped yelling for help yesterday.‘

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. ‘When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can‘t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won‘t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.‘ ‘Thanks doc, I‘ll try it.‘ And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. ‘What? My recommendation didn‘t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!‘ ‘Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,‘ said the patient. ‘What in the hell is that supposed to mean?‘ ‘Well, I don‘t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can‘t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass…‘