Its All About Jokes

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man‘s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, ‘That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don‘t open the damn store!‘

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ‘Sorry, sir, but you‘re only allowed one seat.‘ The man groaned but didn‘t budge. The usher became impatient. ‘Sir, if you don‘t get up from there I‘m going to have to call the manager.‘ Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, ‘All right buddy, what‘s your name?‘ ‘Sam,‘ the man moaned. ‘Where ya from, Sam?‘ With pain in his voice Sam replied ‘The balcony.‘

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver‘s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver‘s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, ‘Yes Officer?‘

‘What are you doing?‘ the policeman asked. ‘What does it look like?‘ answered the young man. ‘I‘m reading this magazine.‘ Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, ‘And what is she doing?‘ The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, ‘What does it look like? She‘s knitting.‘

‘And how old are you?‘ the officer then asked the young man. ‘I‘m nineteen,‘ he replied. ‘And how old is she?‘ asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, ‘Well, in about twelve minutes she‘ll be sixteen.‘

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. ‘Oh, no laundry,‘ the boy said, ‘I‘m going to wash my dog.‘ ‘But you shouldn‘t use this to wash your dog,‘ said the grocer. ‘It‘s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he‘ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.‘ But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. ‘Oh, he died,‘ the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, ‘I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.‘ ‘Well, the boy replied, ‘I don‘t think it was the detergent that killed him.‘ ‘Oh? What was it then?‘ ‘I think it was the spin cycle!‘

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘It‘s the minister, Mommy,‘ the child said to her mother. Then she added, ‘Mommy can‘t come to the phone right now. She‘s hitting the bottle.‘

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. ‘What is the big brass gong and hammer for?‘ one of his friends asked. ‘That is the talking clock,‘ the man replied. ‘How‘s it work?‘

‘Watch,‘ the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, ‘Knock it off, you idiot! It‘s two o‘clock in the morning!‘

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, ‘Get me a beer before it starts.‘ The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, ‘Get me another beer before it starts.‘ She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, ‘Quick, get me another beer, it‘s going to start any minute.‘ The wife is furious. She yells at him ‘Is that all you‘re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You‘re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …‘ The man sighs and says, ‘It‘s started …‘

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, ‘Have you read Marx?‘ To which the professor of psychology said, ‘Yes, I think it‘s the wicker chairs.‘

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. ‘I‘ve got good news and bad news,‘ the owner replied. ‘The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.‘

‘That‘s wonderful!‘ the artist exclaimed, ‘What‘s the bad news?‘. With concern, the gallery owner replied, ‘The guy was your doctor.‘

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. ‘Tell me,‘ she asked the rather elderly salesman, ‘is there anything special I‘ll have to do to take care of this ring?‘ With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, ‘one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater.‘