Its All About Jokes

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, ‘Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?‘ The kid says, ‘Yeah.‘ The cop says, ‘Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.‘ The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, ‘By the way, that‘s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?‘ Humouring the kid, the cop says, ‘Yeah, he sure did.‘ The kid says, ‘Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.‘

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, ‘What trip?‘

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, ‘Do you know that you were speeding?‘ The man replies, ‘No sir, I didn‘t know I was speeding.‘ The mans wife then yells, ‘Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I‘ve been telling you to slow down for miles.‘ ‘SHUT UP!‘ the man says to his wife, ‘Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite.‘ Then the cop says, ‘well, since I‘ve got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?‘ ‘No Sir‘ the man replies, ‘I did not know that‘ ‘WHATEVER!‘ His wife yells, ‘I‘ve been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!‘ ‘Shut up‘ the man yells to his wife again! ‘Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!‘ Curios, the cop walks over to the woman‘s side of the car and asks her, ‘Does he always talk to you this way?‘ ‘No‘ she replies, ‘ Only when he‘s drinking!‘

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, ‘No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.‘ The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, ‘No charge. I consider it a service to the community.‘ The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, ‘No charge. I consider it a service to the country.‘ The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin‘ on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says ‘Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn‘t it nice?‘ To which the other woman replies, ‘Oh that‘s nice, that‘s real nice.‘ The first woman then says , ‘And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises.‘ The second woman again replies, ‘Oh that‘s nice, that‘s real nice.‘ ‘Well sweetheart doesn‘t your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?‘ ‘Oh‘, the second woman responds, ‘When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school.‘ ‘Why‘d he do that?‘ the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, ‘Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don‘t give a fuck, but now I say that‘s nice, that‘s real nice.‘

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, ‘Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?‘ A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, ‘It‘s my dog. Why?‘

‘Well,‘ squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, ‘I believe my dog just killed it, sir.‘ ‘What?‘ roared the big man in disbelief. ‘What in the hell kind of dog do you have?‘ ‘Sir,‘ answered the little man, ‘it‘s a little four week old female puppy.‘ ‘Bull!‘ roared the biker, ‘how could your puppy kill my Doberman?‘ ‘It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.‘

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said ‘yes‘. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn‘t remember what her answer was! ‘Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…‘ After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn‘t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. ‘Oh‘, she said, ‘I‘m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes‘ to someone, but I couldn‘t remember who it was.‘

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, ‘Sir, can you tell me the time?‘ The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, ‘It is a quarter to three, young man.‘ ‘Thanks,‘ said the boy. ‘At exactly three o‘clock you can kiss my ass.‘ With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. ‘Why are you running like this at your age?‘ asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, ‘That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!‘ ‘So what‘s your hurry,‘ said the friend. ‘You still have ten minutes.‘

A man hasn‘t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. ‘I‘m afraid I have some very bad news,‘ the doctor says. ‘You‘re dying, and you don‘t have much time left.‘ ‘Oh, that‘s terrible!‘ says the man. ‘How long have I got?‘ ‘Ten,‘ the doctor says sadly. ‘Ten?‘ the man asks. ‘Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!‘ The doctor interrupts, ‘Nine…‘

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: ‘For Women Only‘. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. ‘We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It‘s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what‘s inside.‘ So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: ‘All the men on this floor are short and plain.‘ The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: ‘All the men here are short and handsome.‘ Still, this isn‘t good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: ‘All the men here are tall and plain.‘ They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: ‘All the men here are tall and handsome.‘ The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: ‘There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.‘