Its All About Jokes

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

‘Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?‘ he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. ‘Alright, I‘m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain‘t back outside by the time I finish, I‘m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don‘t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!‘ Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ‘Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?‘ The cowboy turned back and said, ‘I had to walk home.‘

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?‘ The barber looks around the shop and says, ‘About two hours.‘ The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ‘How long before I get a haircut?‘ The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, ‘About two hours.‘ The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?‘ The barber looks around the shop an says, ‘About an hour and half.‘ The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, ‘Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.‘ In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, ‘Bill, where did he go when he left here?‘ Bill looked up and said, ‘To your house.‘

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. ‘Doctor, doctor!‘ he started. ‘No need to repeat yourself, my good man,‘ replied the doctor. ‘One ‘doctor‘ is enough.‘ ‘Yes, well, you see, I‘ve got this problem,‘ the man continued. ‘I keep hallucinating that I‘m a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It‘s crazy. I don‘t know what to do!‘

‘A common canine complex,‘ said the doctor soothingly. ‘Come over here and lie down on the couch.‘ ‘Oh no, Doctor. I‘m not allowed up on the furniture.‘

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, ‘My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!‘ As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, ‘That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn‘t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?‘ The guy catches his breath, then says, ‘Listen, I don‘t want your money! And I don‘t want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!‘

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, ‘Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…‘ A student‘s voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, ‘I guess you‘d be eating alone, sir.‘

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter…. First Woman : ‘My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : ‘I know…‘ First Woman : ‘How?‘ Second Woman : ‘My dog told me.‘

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. ‘Why Bloomingdales?‘ asked the rabbi. ‘Then I‘ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.‘

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, ‘There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.‘ As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, ‘And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.‘ The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, ‘You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?‘ The boy replied, ‘Minnesota, sir.‘ ‘Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?‘ inquired the manager. The boy replied, ‘They‘re all just whores and hockey players up there.‘ ‘My wife is from Minnesota‘, exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, ‘Really! What team did she play for?‘

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said ‘If you don‘t stop swearing I‘m going to put you in the freezer as punishment.‘ The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said ‘I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!‘

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says ‘You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster.‘ The boy replies, ‘I know but then I wouldn‘t get the cool siren.‘