Its All About Jokes

One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John‘s mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother:

Dear Ma,
I‘m not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I‘m not saying you didn‘t. But the fact remains, It‘s missing.
Love,
John

This was her response…

Dear John,
I‘m not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I‘m not saying you didn‘t. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now.
Love,
Mom

aik aurat jannat k farishtay se boli: mera nikah..
mere dunya wale shohar se karwa do
Farishta bola: nikah tu karwadon ..
pehlay koi maulvi tu jannat mai aye

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot
after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,‘You know my parents are forcing

me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I

haven‘t even met once.We call this arranged marriage.I don‘t want to

marry a woman whom I don‘t love…I told them that openly and now have a

hell lot of family problems.‘

The American said, ‘Talking about love marriages… I‘ll

tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter

and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father‘s

father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father‘s brother

and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.

Now my father‘s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break!!!!‘

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

‘How much do they run?‘ he asked the clerk.

‘That depends,‘ said the salesman. ‘They run from 100 bucks to 10,000.‘

‘Let‘s see the cheaspest model,‘ he said.

The clerk put the device around the man‘s neck.

‘You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,‘ he instructed.

‘How does it work?‘ the customer asked. ‘For 100 RS it doesn‘t work,‘ the salesman replied. ‘But when people see it on you, they‘ll talk louder!‘

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, ‘Is there a problem, Officer?‘
‘No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a Safe Driver Award. Congratulations, what do you think you‘re going to do with the prize money?‘
He thought for a minute and said, ‘Well, I guess I‘ll go get that drivers‘ license.‘
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, ‘Oh, don‘t pay attention to him, he‘s a smartass when he‘s drunk and stoned.‘
The guy from the back seat said, ‘I told you guys we wouldn‘t get far in a stolen car!‘
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, ‘Are we over the border yet?‘

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,“ he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I‘ll inherit 20 million dollars.“

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

It was a poor…..a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of beer. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.

“You get three wishes, be very careful and don‘t spoil them.“

“OK, OK,“ and without hesitation he says, “first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink…. lots of water.

Bam, presto…the Magic Genie turned him into…….a toilet!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!“

“Well,“ said Banta, “Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?“

Two workmen were approached by a passer by who asked what they were doing…

“Well, we work for the government,“ one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You?re not accomplishing anything. Aren?t you wasting the taxpayers? money?“

“You don?t understand, mister,“ one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there?s three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike, here, puts the dirt back.“

“Now, just because Rodney?s sick, that don?t mean that Mike and me can?t work.“