Its All About Jokes

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”

“DAMN!” said the father.
“What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked.

Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says. “Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.

“Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he could say “F–K OFF!”, the dog ate him!”

A teacher asked her students to use the word FASCINATE in a sentence.

Marta said, My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.

The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.

Sarita raised her hand.

She said, My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.

That’s good, too, said the teacher, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn’t damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.

Johnny said proudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.

She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, “Winston Churchill.”

“Congratulations,” said the teacher, “you may go home.” The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you.”

Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy.” “Very good,” says the teacher, “you may go.”

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.”

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

“Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching Little Johnny’s efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which Little Johnny replies, “Now we run!”

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?”Johnny replied,”I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!”

Little Johnny was failing his classes so his mom decided to put him in a Catholic
school. About a month later when Little Johnny’s mom recieved his report card he got all A’s and B’s.

Astonished, Little Johnny’s mom asked him “How did you get all these good grades?” Little Johnny replied “Well, when I saw the man hanging from the cross I knew they meant business!”

Little Johnny sees his grandfather smoking and asks if can he try. The old man says “can you touch your ass with your dick yet?” “No” says Johnny. “Then you can’t have one” says his grandad.

Then the old geezer is drinking alcohol. Johnny asks can he have some. But he can’t as he couldn’t touch his ass with his dick yet. Later Johnny is eating cookies and his grandfather asks can he have some. Johnny asks,”Can you touch your ass with your dick yet?” Why of course I can replies the grandfather. Johnny quickly replied “THEN GO F**K YOURSELF!”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”