Its All About Jokes

Little Johnny wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent’s room.

Finally, one morning he says to his mom, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him.”

His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh…well…ah…well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again.” The boy responds, “That won`t work!” His mom says, “Why not?” The boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up!

Johnny and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch. Johnny gets up and goes to the shed in the back yard and takes out some chicken wire. Grandpa says what are you going to do with that? Johnny says, gonna catch me some chickens. It dont work like that grandpa says. Just watch me replies Johnny.

An hour later Johnny returns with two chickens one in each hand. Holy shit thought grandpa, Johnny went back to the shed. This time he has some duck tape. Again granpa asks, What are going to do with that. Johnny says; gonna catch me some ducks. It dont work like that grandpa says. Watch me said Johnny.

An hour later here came Johnny with two ducks one in each hand. Holy shit grandpa thought again. Johnny went back to the shed, this time he had a stick. Grandpa asks whatcha gonna do with that? Johnny says some pussywillow. Grandpa says, let me go get my coat!

A little boy was riding his bicycle to school when a policeman stopped him.

“That’s a nice bicycle you’ve got there,” said the policeman. “Did Santa give it to you?”

“Yes,” replied the little boy.

“Next time, could you ask Santa to put a red reflector on the back, because I’m going to give you a ticket.”

The little looked at the policeman’s horse, and said:

“Nice horse, did Santa give it to you?”

The policeman laughed, and said:

“Yes.”

“Then next time could you ask him to put the dick UNDER the horse instead of ON it.”

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” he asked. “Nope,” Jimmy replied. “Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Johnny asked. “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” “No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they ‘doing the nasty’.

Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; “What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then.”

Johnny loved his new trainset. His mother could leave him for hours at a time while she did things around the house without him to bother her.

One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny. Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him say “All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of you that want to get on, get the fuck on.”

Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny was playing. “Young man”, she said “march up to your room and think about what I’ve told you about that kind of language.”

So up to his room he goes.

Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he proceedes to say “All those who want to get off, get the fuck off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,”What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man! “Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.

“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth!” Johnny replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Johnny?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!” “That’s right!” shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”
Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!”