Its All About Jokes

Little Johnny goes back to school on Monday and the teacher asks the kids if there was anything exciting that happened to them over the weekend.

Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy, well the teacher knows how little Johnny is so she doesn’t want to call on him.

Finally, she gives in and calls on Johnny, “All right Johnny, what did you do this weekend?” Johnny says,” I rode in my wagon and had my dog pull me, well we came to this steep hill and we got going really fast, my dog couldn’t run fast enough.

The handle of the wagon rammed up his ass.” The teacher interupts and corrects Johnny by saying,”Rectum Johnny, Rectum.” Johnny says,”Recked UM? It damn near killed him!”

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, “Daddy fell into the well last week…” “My goodness!” the teacher exclaimed.

“Is he all right?” “He must be,” said the boy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…”

“Johnny !” shouted his mother. “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use the swearwords.” “But, Mom,” replied the boy, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.”

Next day Johnny’s mother went right into the classroom to complain. “Oh, heavens !” said the teacher. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’ “

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”

The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?” Little Johnny said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

One day theres a couple of kids in a phycology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class “stand up if u think you’re stupid!” after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says “do you think you’re stupid Johnny?”

To which Little Johnny replies “No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!”

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is !!I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was… The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: ” What is 3×3?”
Johnny: “9″
Principal: “What is 6 x 6 ?”
Johnny: “36″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, ” I think Johnny can go to the third grade,” The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Johnny, after a moment, “legs”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal’ eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied,” Pockets”.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ” Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions”.

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and hears the word SH*T! Johnny askes “What does that mean?” his mother says ” Oh that means putting on makeup”

Little Johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other dicks and pussys Johnny askes “what does that mean” and they said “it means hats and coats”

Little Johnney walks into the kitchen and he hears the word F*CK!

Johnny askes his dad “what does that mean” his dad says it means”stuffing the turkey”
then there was a knock on the door. Johnny opens it . His aunt and uncle were there. Johnny says to them ” here let me take your dicks and pussys, moms upstairs putting shit on her face and dad’s in the kitchen F*cking the turkey!

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out … “Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!”

There is this senior in high-school and he is mad because he has to share his room with his brother, Little Johnny, who is 9. They have bunk-beds and the older brother is on top…so one night the big brother comes home with his girlfriend for a little fun….he says to her..”My lil brother is asleep, whisper tomato for harder and lettuce for a different position.”

So they get up in the top bunk and begin getting it on, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato.” eventually she begins to yell “LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO” finally the Little Johnny wakes up and says “would you two quit making sandwhiches up there, your getting mayonaise all over my face.”

Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw her cat Snuggles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. He fetched his Dad to look at Snuggles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Snuggles is dead, Johnny.”

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Little Johnny as he fought back tears.

At a loss for words the father replied, “Snuggles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Snuggles right up to heaven.”

Little Johnny seemed to take his Snuggles’ death quite well upon hearing what his father said. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Johnny had tears in his eyes once more and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook his son and shouted, “How do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Johnny, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.