Its All About Jokes

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiouysly loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly,”you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.

“Nice bike,” the cop said, “did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yep,” Little Johnny said, “he sure did!”

The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said “Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?” “Yea, He sure did,” said the cop.

Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, “Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!” and peddled off down the road.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?”

Then, Johnny said, “It hurts down there.”

“Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!”

Then Johnny said, “My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she’ll come and pick me up.”

One day, when Little Johnny came home from school, his mom bought him a new basketball. He went over to the new neighbors house and a little girl came out. Little Johnny said, my mommy bought me a new basketball, and you can’t have one!”

The next day the little girl had a new basketball. Then, Little Johnny’s mommy bought him a new bike. Little Johnnypromptly took it over to the little girls house, and when the little girl came out he boasted “Ha Ha mommy bought me a new bike and you can’t have one”.

The next day the little girl had a new bike. Frustrated, Little Johnny took the little girl out back, pulled down his pants and said ” I got one of these and mommy said that you cant have one!” In defiance, the little girl pulled up her skirt and said “mommy said as long as I have one of these I can have all those I want!

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time.

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he’s too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny’s dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable’s (Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! — Our Customers Come First!) for a good time.

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad’s friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. Yes? she asks.

I’m here to have a good time!, Johnny Says

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel’s.) Where have you been?

I went to a WHOREHOUSE! Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny’s dad blanched. Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?

Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!

Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn’t understand about it all was, “What is a penis?”

Little Johnny said he didn’t know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father “Knew everything.” That night, when Johnny’s father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, “Dad, what’s a penis?”

Johnny’s father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny’s father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, “That, Johnny, is a penis.” He then looked down at it and added, “In fact, that’s what I would call a PERFECT penis!”

Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, “That, Suzie, is a penis.” He looked down at it and added, “In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!!”

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without too much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?” he asked.