Lawyer Jokes Collection
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments ‘Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said ‘Out of what‘?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, ‘Ah, you‘re an engineer — you‘re in the wrong place.‘ So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they‘ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, ‘So how‘s it going down there in hell?‘
Satan replies, ‘Hey things are going great. We‘ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there‘s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next.‘ God replies, ‘What You‘ve got an engineer? That‘s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.‘ Satan says, ‘No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I‘m keeping him.‘ God says, ‘Send him back up here or I‘ll sue.‘ Satan laughs uproariously and answers, ‘Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?‘
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn‘t make it. The woman asked him if he didn‘t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, ‘Oh, they‘re all at the funeral.‘
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ‘What the hell do you think you‘re doing?‘ ‘I‘m a chiropractor, and I‘m just keeping in practice while I‘m waiting in line.‘ ‘Well, I‘m a lawyer, but you don‘t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?‘
A man is at his lawyer‘s funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. ‘Why are you all at this man‘s funeral?‘ A man turns towards him and says, ‘We‘re all clients.‘ ‘And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.‘ ‘No, we came to make sure he was dead.‘
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, ‘We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?‘
‘I‘ll take the lawyer‘s heart,‘ said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer‘s heart. ‘It was easy,‘ explained the patient, ‘I wanted a heart that hadn‘t been used.‘
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, ‘There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?‘ The doctor answers, ‘The Titanic‘ and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, ‘How many people died in that ship?‘ Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, ‘1 500!‘. St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, ‘Name them!‘.
In heaven, the angels asked god where he would spend his next holiday.
God said: At least not on earth. Last time I went there, I left a girl pregnant and those people haven‘t stopped talking about it since!
A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer‘s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I‘m going to retrieve it.‘
The old farmer replied. ‘This is my property, and your not coming over here.‘
The indignant lawyer replied. ‘I‘m one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don‘t let me get that duck, I‘ll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don‘t know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule.‘
The lawyer asked, ‘What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?‘
The farmer replied, ‘Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.‘
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer‘s groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer‘s third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn‘t.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, ‘Okay, you old tosser, now it‘s my turn.‘
The old farmer smiled and said,
‘Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!‘
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
1.Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
2.When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
3.Your lawyer picks the jury by playing ‘duck-duck-goose.‘
4.Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
5.A prison guard is shaving your head.