Its All About Jokes

Q: What‘s the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?

A: There‘s skid marks in front of the deer!

Q: Why do Lawyers smell?

A: So the blind can hate them, too!

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick

A self-centered, unbelieving man… ok a lawyer… died and was delivered into the devil‘s hands. ‘You will be spending eternity here, but I‘ll let you pick your own room from three I‘ll show you,‘ the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. ‘I don‘t like that,‘ said the man. ‘Show me the second.‘

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. ‘Well, that‘s better than brick,‘ the man said, ‘but show me the third.‘

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

‘I‘ll choose this room,‘ he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, ‘O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads.‘

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.
They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to
operate on.

The first doctor said, ‘I like to work on electricians.‘
‘Why?‘ the others replied.
He answered, ‘When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know
where everything goes.‘

The second doctor said, ‘I like to work on librarians.‘
‘Why?‘ the other doctors asked.
He replied, ‘Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern.‘

The third doctor said, ‘Well, I like to work on lawyers.‘
‘Lawyers?!‘ replied the others suprised.
‘Yes, Lawyers‘ he stated.
‘But why?‘ they asked him.
‘Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are
interchangable.‘

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwin‘ you once your dead!

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said ‘You‘ll see.‘

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, ‘Ticket Please.‘ An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, ‘You‘ll see.‘

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers‘ bathroom, knocks on the door and says: ‘Ticket please.‘

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked ‘Give it to me straight. How long have I got?‘ The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said ‘Call for my lawyer.‘
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied ‘Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I‘d check out the same way.‘

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, ‘You‘ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!‘
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake‘s body for a few minutes, he asserted, ‘Well, you‘re scaly, you‘re slimy, you‘ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you‘ve got a forked tongue. I think you‘re a lawyer!‘

So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces–the engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered–wanted the challenge) and before long it was up and running again. This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it.
Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss‘ wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven.
God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details (it had been a computer error–the engineer had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven). So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back.
‘Nothing doing,‘ said Satan, ‘You sent him down here, and we‘re keeping him!‘
‘What?‘ sputtered God, ‘You get him up here right now! That‘s a direct Order!‘
‘Listen pal, I don‘t take orders from you any more. Remember that ‘rule in hell‘ agreement?‘
God was beside himself. ‘If you don‘t send that engineer up here right now, I‘ll . . . I‘ll sue you!‘
‘Oh, sure!‘ Satan shot back gleefully. ‘Where are you going to get a lawyer?‘