Lawyer Jokes Collection
Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren‘t…
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let‘s do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, ‘I don‘t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?‘
St. Peter replied, ‘Well, I‘ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!‘
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. ‘Tim, you be first,‘ she said. ‘What does your mother do all day?‘ Tim stood up and proudly said, ‘She‘s a doctor.‘
‘That‘s wonderful. How about you, Amie?‘
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, ‘My father is a mailman.‘
‘Thank you, Amie,‘ said the teacher. ‘What about your father, Billy?‘
Billy proudly stood up and announced, ‘My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.‘
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy‘s house and rang the bell. Billy‘s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy‘s father said, ‘I‘m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?‘
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked ‘How much is 2 2?‘ The housewife replies: ‘Four!‘.
The accountant says: ‘I think it‘s either 3 or
4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.‘
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, ‘How much do you want it to be?‘
Q. What‘s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can‘t, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass!
Q: What‘s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla
the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets,
what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
‘That‘s unfair!‘ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.‘
‘Shut up,‘ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
‘Who are you to question that woman‘s punishment?‘