Lawyer Jokes Collection
‘Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,‘ the divorce court judge said, ‘and I‘ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.‘
‘That‘s very fair, your honor,‘ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I‘ll try to send her a few bucks myself.‘
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn‘t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. ‘One million dollars,‘ he answered, ‘because I want to donate it to M.I.T.‘
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. ‘I want to give a million to my family,‘ he explained, ‘and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.‘ The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer‘s ear, ‘Three million dollars.‘
‘Why so much more than the others?‘ the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, ‘If you give me $3 million, I‘ll give you $1 million, I‘ll keep $1 million, and we‘ll send the engineer.‘
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
‘Doctor,‘ she asks nervously, ‘can you get pregnant from anal sex?‘
‘Certainly,‘ replies the doctor, ‘Where do you think lawyers come from!‘
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in ‘that‘s a shame‘)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a ‘crying shame‘?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can‘t understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What‘s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What‘s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don‘t you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they‘re really good people.
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can‘t, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human being.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
‘My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.‘
‘Well put,‘ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant‘s arm to one year‘s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.‘
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer‘s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!
The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.
‘You made over $600,000 last year but you haven‘t given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?‘
The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, ‘If you only knew…
My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair. My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident.‘
Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer‘s profits.
The lawyer nodded and said, ‘Exactly… Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don‘t even give to my own family!‘
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit‘s head, and said, ‘You‘re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I‘ll blow your brains out.‘
But the bandit didn‘t speak English, and the Ranger didn‘t speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger‘s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
‘What did he say?‘ asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, ‘He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn‘t dare shoot me!‘
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in ‘a series of small fires.‘
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire,‘ it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge‘s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in ‘the fires.‘ After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS
372.01 – Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
372.05 – It is unlawful to shout ‘Whiplash!‘, ‘Ambulance!‘, or ‘Free Scotch!‘ for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that‘s their stompin‘ grounds!
372.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
372.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
372.10 – Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied Sidewinders
2 – Two-faced Tortfeasors
1 – Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators
3 – Horn Rimmed Cut-throats
2 – Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)